Jokes For Ellas ?

[Boris]

A woman walks into a bra store and is approached by one of the sales staff.

"May I help you?"

"Yes, I'm looking for a Sunderland bra." the woman replies.

A bit shocked by this reply, the sales girl asks in a curious fashion what the difference is between a normal bra and Sunderland one.

The woman replies. "It's called a Sunderland bra,

because it is exactly the same as the football club.

It has no cups and no support!"

[Boris]

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,

"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.

"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".

"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".

"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Victoria for you ?"

"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham.

The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless w*nker...."

[Boris]

History apparently says that on the first match day after Peter Reid took charge at Sunderland he was a little unsure where the stadium was.

So after driving around the town for two hours he decided to ask a local for directions.

'Do you know where the Sunderland ground is?'

The man replied 'Sure, follow the road up here, turn left, then second right. You'll then see two queues. One long queue and one short. You join the short one.'

'Why's that then?' Peter asked.

'The other queue is for the fish & chip shop.'

[Boris]

A Sunderland fan walks into a pub with his dog just as the football scores come on the TV.

The announcer says that Sunderland have lost 3-0 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead.

"That's amazing," says the barman.

"What does he do when they win?"

The Sunderland Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies, "I don’t know, I've only had him for ten months."

[Guest Timeforabeer]

I got this one e-mailed to me at work :D

From: Bin Laden, Osama

To: All Al Queda Fighters

Subject: The Cave

Hi guys

We’ve all been putting in long hours recently, but we’ve really come

together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a

jihad, we can’t forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a

few concerns:

First of all, while it’s good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we

should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to

avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) so we need

to sweep the cave daily. I’ve done my bit on the cleaning rota…..have

you? I’ve posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to

the halal toaster).

Second, it’s not often I make a video address but when I do, I’m trying

to scare the sh*t out of most of the world’s population, okay? That

means while we’re taping, please do not ride your scooter in the

background or keep doing the ‘wassup’ thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote ‘Ossy’

on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea

slices were gone. Consideration. That’s all I’m saying.

Fourth: I’m not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance

ourselves from the Infidel’s bat and ball games. Please do not chant

Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy, when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth: Graffiti. To whoever wrote ‘Osama sh*gs Donkeys’ on the group

toilet wall, it’s a lie. The donkey backed into me whilst I was

relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse

that the ‘chicken backed into me whilst I was relieving myself at the

edge of the mountain’ will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys,

there is a grey area).

Finally, we’ve heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise

trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for

them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, group hug. Os.

PS – I am sick of having ‘Osama’s Bed Linen’ scribbled on my laundry

bag. Cut it out, it’s not funny anymore.

[Guest Timeforabeer]

Last one for the night :D

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and

sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

[Boris]

Howard Wilkinson walks into the Nationwide Building Society in Sunderland one day whilst a robbery is in progress.

One of the robbers hits him over the head and knocks him out cold.

When coming around, Howard says "What happened ?"

"Where the hell am I ?"

One of the staff tells him "its OK Mr Wilkinson, you're in the Nationwide !"

Howard replies - "What ? Is it May already then ?"

[Boris]

From the Observer's Book of Weapons of Mass Destruction ?

[Guest ellas]

like the sunderland ones boris ;)

[Boris]

ellas

Now ............... how did I somehow know that you would ? :rolleyes:

[TERBOW]

A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but

she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had

sex with another woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she

decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his

entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no

experience with women. She is very happy with him,

and she feels that they are perfect for each other. So,

they end up getting married. On their wedding night,

she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband

standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the

furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says, " but if it's

anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room

I can get!!"

[Prince of Calcutta]

GET YOU ASK FOR.....

A US Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a

week's shore leave.

The first evening, the Captain was more than a little

surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of

a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's,

coming of age party. I would like you to send four well

mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive

at 8:00 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern

conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last

point: No, Mexican's. We don't like Mexican's."

Sure enough, at 8:00 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap

at the door.

She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four

exquisitely mannered, smiling BLACK officers. Her jaw hit

the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered,

"There must be some mistake!"

"On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez

doesn't make mistakes."

[Guest Shirley_Crabtree]

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road.

They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

She asks, "What about the smell ?"

He says, "Hold its nose!!" :D

[Guest George]

For Boris.

Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a Paris to London flight. A

man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed

that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after

him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared

to contain large bundles of money. He looked around to make sure

nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness,

but I will try to....with a word of advice for you: Stay away from

Sunderland".

My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist

attack?" she asked him.

"No ... ", he whispered back...... "It's a sh*thole."

[Boris]

George,

Never having been there I will have to ask ellas opinion on this one ! :rolleyes:

[Guest ellas]

sh*thole is correct.

[Guest Clint]

Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't. :blink:

[Boris]

sh*thole is correct.

George

The guru has made his proclamation ! :lol:

[Guest Clint]

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had a relationship with a parrot... I thought you might be my son." :D

[Guest George]

Boris,

For Ellas to agree then he must be a Sunderland man, only we can laugh at adversity. I live in a Newcastle stronghold

and in the village pub you need that strength.

So Ellas, my Grandfather talked of Frank Cuggy, My Father of Raich Carter, I of Len Shackleton, and my boys of Kevin Phillips. How about your family?

[Prince of Calcutta]

TWO WHALES......

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast

of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale

recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father

many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, 'Let's both swim under the ship

and blow out of our air holes at the same time. It should

cause the ship to turn over and sink.'

They tried it, and sure enough the ship turned over and

quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped

overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and

told the female, 'Let's swim after them and gobble them up

before they reach the shore.'

At this point he realized the female was becoming reluctant

to follow him.

'Look,' she said. 'I went along with the blowjob, but I

absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'

[mmmbisto]

Prince of Calcutta, That was a GREAT joke :) Gotta tell them at work on Monday!

[Guest ellas]

george its jackie milburn,malcom macdonald and the man below

[Guest ellas]

hopefully george woodgate soon will be a legend

[Boris]

He's already a bargain !