E-Mail from China

[andsome]

Here is the latest offering from my son, who as you know is on Holiday in Asia.

Eh Up,

Well its a bumper week for E-mails from me but I'm in China at the moment and its completely impossible to do anything, other than surf the net, unless you have a PHD in patience and something better than a PHD in Mandarin.

Upon arrival in Beijing I attempted to buy a cup of tea. It was only because I had been forewarned by my sisters experiences 15 years ago and many other people since then, that I thought I had better try and establish a price first. Apparently $36 is a reasonable price for a cup of tea.....

The Chinese method of bargaining is unique. Noone speaks any English at all so prices are entered on a calculator. The first price is always so ridiculous that it makes you want to give up straight away. In other countries bargaining is fun - locals tell you a price that is a bit high and you have a enjoyable time negotiating around a third off - the price you pay is still a bit steep - but hey tourists are rich!

So after you get the $36 price you try and leave the place. Unfortunately the tea has already been poured and someone jumps onto your back and tries to force you to enter a new price into a calculator by ramming it into your mouth, while someone else tries to force the tea into your hands and an old women starts to scream loudly that she has 72 children to support. Well its my guess she has 72 children to support or else the worse case of piles in medical history...

I know its my fault that I dont know the language, but sign language, a sense of humour, a bit of trust and a modicum of patience seem to work everywhere else...

The best thing is to try and actually go anywhere. I look up the address of the airline office to change my flight dates and the address is given in English which means that noone in China has a clue as to where it is. After an hour of explaining my need to change my flight to the girls on reception at the Youth Hostel I am personally escorted to a bookshop....

I think the Olympics in 2008 are going to be the biggest fiasco since the last computing project I worked on.

My favourite thing about the Chinese is their love of hawking up great quantities of green phlegm and emptying them into special receptacles right in front of you at restaurants. I got so enraged by this behaviour that I thought the only way to cope was to try and out gross them. Its not possible. I didnt blow my nose for a week and then right in the middle of my Peking Duck I suddenly threw my head back and let out a hawking scream that I sustained for a full ten seconds before spitting in the container followed by a full double discharge from the nose. The only affect was to attract admiring glances from the women at the next table. Steptoe (British comedy program!) would be a natioanl hero here.

So bad is the state of tourism in China that the girls in the Youth Hostel appear to be trying to get me to go and see some sort of local wall.....!

Korea was an interesting experince though, mainly because of the trip to the Demilitarized Zone (DMZ) betwen North and South Korea. Dont know what it was like before 9/11 but its pretty intense at the moment.

The DMZ is 5km wide and stretches across the length of the peninsula. The whole area is mined and is largely a no-go area for people, which has had the unforseen consequence of turning it into one of the most pristine reserves for birds and a variety of rare plant species on the planet.

South Korea is a strange place - the guides seem absolutely convinced that a invasion from the North is due at any minute and are in awe and gratitude of the Americans for their continued presence here. In fact George Bush was about to pull out but has guaranteed another three years on condition that the South Koreans send troops to Iraq...

Although I sympathise with the South Korean position - what we are protecting is a strange place indeed. In common with Japan the South Koreans are a rich, industralised country that is very different from the rest of South East Asia. My naive one week impression is that we are protecting - well future America really. The youth seem to have abandoned their own culture and what is left is a variety of fast food restaurants, a love of Western fashion, pop music and sophisticated techno gadgets. People are walking the streets using Walky Talkies to communicate with people next to them, people in restaurants dont speak to each other they just send SMS's and everyone is in video parlours playing computer games.

The personality cult that is North Korea must be about as diametrically opposed to this as you can get. The newspaper reports about mass starvation etc. seem brought to life when you gaze into North Korea and see the whole area is denuded of trees by people foraging for firewood.

The South Koreans want tourists to visit the DMZ but after all this is a war zone that has seen casualties and they are paranoid about running the trips. You have to sign a form stating how happy you are with imminent death and how you wont hold anyone responsible when you are shot by insane North Korean troops. You are not allowed to wear shorts, jeans or T-shirts or 'jump around in an excited fashion' and are made aware that the NK troops are filming all tourists and any incorrect behaviour will be used for propoganda by Kim Sung.

The South Koreans are attempting to make a brave show of normality and have constructed a village inside the DMZ. Here villagers tend rice during the day under armed guards and are subjected to an 8 o'clock curfew. They are payed twice the average wage for this propaganda exercise. Meanwhile the North Koreans have also built a village, this is completley empty, but has speakers the size of houses that broadcast propganda into the SK side.

Apparently an American tourist stuck his fingers up at North Korea a few years back and all tours were cancelled for awhile. Once you arrive you are given an American squaddie as escort who you are forced to clap for his bravery (it is actually statistically safer for him to be here than back home in any large American city!) and then are forced to march in single file between the various military sights.

It is actually quite eerie when you catch sight of the NK troops watching your every move through binoculars...

You are even allowed to go into the mobile cabins which are technically in North Korea and are currently in use for peace/re unification talks. Here the SK soldiers wear sunglasses so you cant make eye contact and they adopt a sort of half crouch with fists permanently clenched. You are informed that if you walk behind them you are deemed to have defected to North Korea and if you walk in front of them you will be stopped by force.

Luckily we have a Glaswegian on the trip who is currently living in South Korea. For those of you have never heard of Scotland it is a land of barbarians in the north of the UK. The Glaswegian accent sounds as if someone has forced several socks into the mouth of a normal person who is then attempting to swear at you in English. I eventually understand that this man earns his living teaching Koreans english. There can be few worse starts in life than learning english from a Glaswegian!

Glaswegian guy decides to call the South Koreans bluff and crosses in front in one of their guides. A priceless moment! The SK guard stuffs his clenched fist into the guys side, the other soldiers come to attention and present their weapons (I think thats what its called!) and our heroic Yankee soldier bundles the guy back to the tour bus. Perhaps we could learn from this treatment of the Scots back in the UK (sorry Sandy I couldnt resist it!).

The SK guide is now in a state of complete disintegration and I cant resist winding her up further. Every time we are escorted to a new place I sidle up to another tourist and in a loud stage voice state state that this is the place where we are supposed to jump around and stick our fingers up at the North Koreans. I know its childish but her repeated, heavily accented, attempts to describe the rules are worth the price of the trip alone.

Anway my travels have now come to an end and I'm back home on the 29th of April. Thanks to everyone who has written back to me and thanks to everyone who has actually appeared to read my rants right to the end. I promise to keep my propoganda to a minimum if I meet any of you down the pub. Keep in touch!

Cheers

Mike

[Tony]

Wow that brings back some memory's,

I was in China (Beijing) for 6 months working, back in 91.

It does not sound as if they have changed much with the bringing up of and spitting out of phlegm :jawdrop:

The bargaining sounds just as much fun today as it was when i was there,(OK i was only 21), but i could stand there hours punching numbers into the calculator, and getting the price down and down.

I once brought a Great Wall of China sweat shirt, it started off at about 20 quid, but after a hour and a half and a lot of walking away and being screamed at to come back, i eventually got it for 20p.

The best was in the big silk market 7 3/4 length 100% silk coats for 25 quid, the start price was 350 to 400 quid, they were all presents for people back home.

Please thank your son for bringing back some nice memory's for me.

Tony