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New Transit White Van.


AlanHo
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Ford today announced that its controversial device which warns drivers if they have slipped more than six inches from the vehicle in front will become standard on all White Vans.

The Distance-Efficiency-Vector component which was previously an optional extra on the their basic White Van offering warns the driver if they have moved back to a safe distance from the car in front. If so it emits a loud high pitched warning sound alerting them to accelerate quickly so that the van can resume being a matter of inches from the car in front.

Nicknamed the 'arseometer' because of its ability to allow the van driver to hover literally "right up the arse" of the next vehicle - it also is to be upgraded to allow a single button to cause the horn to blare, the lights to be flashed in rapid succession and a reminder to appear on the dashboard reminding the driver that he should give "the finger" to the offending motorist when they finally get out of the way.

'Yes, you may say controversial', said Dave Pitcher, a decorator from Arsenal, North London, 'but you've no idea how frustrating it is seeing all these do-gooders pottering along within the speed limit obeying the rules of the road. We're doing vital work here and vans should take precedence on the road and that includes over the emergency services'.

The new 2008 "Package" will also include a years subscription to the Sun and have a topless calendar permanently attached to a panel behind the drivers seat.

A Ford spokesman firmly denied there was any element of sexism being employed and informed News Biscuit's female reporter they had sold "several" of the vans to women drivers, though he would not specify exactly how many. Pressed to release an exact number he became offensive and questioned why she was working as a reporter and not at home preparing her husbands evening meal, before leaving in one of the trademark vehicles.

News Biscuit 20th November.

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