lester1 Posted September 2, 2003 Report Share Posted September 2, 2003 Bet andsome has heard thisTO MY DEAR WIFE >During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. >I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days>The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:>54 times the sheets were clean > 7 times it was too late >49 times you were too tired >20 times it was too hot > 5 times you pretended to be asleep>22 times you had a headache > 7 times you were afraid of waking the baby> 6 times you said you were too sore> 2 times it was the wrong time of the month>19 times you had to get up early>9 times you said weren't in the mood >7 times you were sunburned >6 times you were watching the late show >5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do >3 times you said the neighbors would hear us>9 times you said your mother would hear us>Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory because:>6 times you just layed there >8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling >4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,>7 times I had to wake you and tell you 1 finished, and>one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move. >TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:>I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons>you didn't get more than you did:>5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat >36 times you did not come home at all>21 times you didn't cum >33 times you came too soon> 9 times you went soft before you got in>38 times you worked too late> 10 times you got cramps in your toes>29 times you had to get up early to play golf>2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls>4 times you got it stuck in your zipper>3 times you had a cold and your nose was running>2 times you had a splinter in your finger>20 times you lost the notion after thinking about ii all day>6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book>98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV >Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. >I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?">The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe :unsure: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bvw Posted September 2, 2003 Report Share Posted September 2, 2003 :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted September 3, 2003 Report Share Posted September 3, 2003 The only thing I can find wrong is the bit about pyjamas, I NEVER wear them. A few years ago when my little granddaughter came to stay, she said to 'er indoors, "Nanny, why does Granddad sleep in his skin?". out of the mouths of babes!!Regarding your avatar, surely you don't actually DRINK Newcastle Brown. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lester1 Posted September 3, 2003 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2003 Never touch the stuff it's overrated and expensive :lol: I much prefere a good cask ale or better my own delicious brew :rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted September 4, 2003 Report Share Posted September 4, 2003 Never touch the stuff it's overrated and expensive :lol: I much prefere a good cask ale or better my own delicious brew :rolleyes:Good man. As a matter of interest, a few years ago in an attempt to eventually get out of the rat race, we opened a Home Brew shop. We sold it after seven years. Do you use the kits, or do you mash? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted September 4, 2003 Report Share Posted September 4, 2003 HOW I MET MY WIFE It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate. I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way. I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do. Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion. So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tails of. I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a person like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated--as if this were something I was great shakes at--and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings. Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself. She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doug Posted September 4, 2003 Report Share Posted September 4, 2003 Aah, now that's poetic. :rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lester1 Posted September 4, 2003 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2003 :mellow: I do it the lazy way and buy kits, normally Muntons. Kits are more Wife friendly and quicker. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted September 5, 2003 Report Share Posted September 5, 2003 :mellow: I do it the lazy way and buy kits, normally Muntons. Kits are more Wife friendly and quicker. :DDecent quality those. We took the plunge and had several thousand labels printed with our own name 'Chase Home Brew' printed on them. We had to buy very large quantities of each type, lager bitter and stout. It was a great success, and we promoted it by offering all customers a small glass to try. It was a 4lb kit made by the makers of Ironmaster. I haven't made any since we sold the shop about ten years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lester1 Posted September 5, 2003 Author Report Share Posted September 5, 2003 I used to work for a company whose head office was in Folkstone, during one visit I went out for a few beers and a meal with some of the local employee's.Any way to get to the point at the end of the evening one of the lads invited us back to his place. He was a mash home brewer and the garden shed was wall to wall ale. He proudly explained that he only used Kentish hops and only the best ingredients, then bursting with pride he proceeded to pour samples for us!Gorden Bennet it was awful every single type I tried had the same type of horrible taste. Most of mine ended up on the garden, "another beer you accedently spilled your last one" Did I? :rolleyes: must have had too much better call it a night.Oops hope he isnt a member of the forum :ph34r: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted September 6, 2003 Report Share Posted September 6, 2003 It's all down to the recipe used, cleanliness, temperature and storage. I too have tasted horrible so called brews, while others have been like amber nectar. My own opinion is that a blend of different hops is better than a single variety A blend of Fuggles and Kent Goldings in varying proportions seems to suite the average British taste Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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