Great NTL Letter for Andsome (and others)

[Jayno]

Andsome

I see you closed your topic on NTL problems, but thought you (and others) might still enjoy reading this complaint letter that someone recently copied to another board I subscribe to :D :

"...

Complaint Letter of the Year

A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (from their complaints

dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for

your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service,

which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and

stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific

details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and

seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you

can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working

day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my

spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your

technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes

listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying

Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful

website....

HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an

activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although

the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a

drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not

arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived...six weeks

after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours between

about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my

mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a

variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled

bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will

call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me

back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a

telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be

transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine

informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to

someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot

woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a

thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of

those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't

care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in

print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore,

if I continue.

I thought BT were s***, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of

god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more

disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to

their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't

anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was,

when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what

a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of

distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of

success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless

inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and

foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you

cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the

services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver-

any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and

disbelief -quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter

tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and

your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become

desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of

posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not

experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's

worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you

irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of. :censored:

John

.."

[andsome]

BRILLIANT. I must admit however that on the whole I have been satisfied with the service. Down time seems to compare favourably with other company's, and is usually rectified fairly quickly. Contacting them can at times be a pain, although this has improved of late. I have been a customer for several years, and wild horses could not drag me back to BT. I prefer the cable modem to having to have plug ins on the telephone sockets.

[Jayno]

I've been contacted in relation to this letter because I left a couple of swear words unedited in the text of the letter.

Obviously I posted this item for its amusement value, but it was remiss of me not to check on the Forum protocols about potentially offensive vocabulary before I copied it here, and I apologise to all for it.

Jayno

:blush:

[Gandalph]

That is a corker. :lol: