Christmas Message

[AlanHo]

DING DONG merrily on high the Christmas bells are ringing! And don't forget that if you plan to ring them at a level of 85 decibels or more then you must issue your ringing team with the appropriate ear defenders. Because seasonal deafness disorder is just one of the dangers that can lurk unseen at this time of year.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly, ’tis the season to be jolly. But you will need to remember that one of those sharp pieces of holly could take somebody’s eye out. So make sure you cover each little prickle with a tiny ball of Blu-Tac.

Be aware that baking a coin into a Christmas pudding represents an obvious choking hazard. If you wish to keep up this tradition, you should place the coin on a side plate as a separate helping. Please do not use a couple of old threepenny bits, as members of the minority Cockney community might find this offensive. Brazil nuts, hazelnuts and walnuts should all be clearly marked: “Contains nuts”.

If you have a Christmas fairy at the top of your tree, you should first be aware that the word “fairy” can often cause offence. Perhaps a more appropriate term would be “wand bearer”. In any case, his or her role falls under the provisions of the Work At Height Regulations 2005. Before the regulations came into force, there were 4,000 serious injuries a year caused by falls from height (although no actual Christmas fairies appear to have been hurt). The owners of trees should therefore carry out a full risk assessment, provide scaffolding where appropriate, and maintain a proper programme of regular inspections.

As for Christmas tree lights, well, we all remember what happened to Father Anthony Such, don’t we? In October last year Father Such wanted to replace four lights, high up in St Benets church, Beccles, Suffolk. He used to pay about £100 to a man with a ladder. Thanks to the new regulations, he discovered it would now take two electricians, two labourers and scaffolding — at a cost of £1,315. While the electricians, the scaffolding team and the labourers are putting the lights on your tree, you might also ask them to pin up your Christmas cards on a piece of string. Can’t be too careful! And don’t forget to book them for Twelfth Night to take the whole lot down again.

And remember: do not water your Christmas tree while the lights are switched on.

Have a Safe and Merry Christmas!!

[D4\/!d]

Wonderful :D

Have a Happy Christmas Alan

[Watchful]

Thank you Alan for those timely words of wisdom I shall think about you whilst I water my candle-lit Christmas tree festooned with sprigs of prickly holly (not to mention the poisonous mistletoe) with its pretty little fairy on top and try not to eat too many of those unmarked nuts. Happy Christmas :D