Chinese New Year.

[Thos]

I spotted this in the Sunday Times yesterday and immediately thought that catgate was\writing for them only to see that the writer was A. A. Gill, partner of the "most beautiful woman in the world" Nicola Hornby. But IT IS in typical catgate style, don't you agree?

We are, as I’m sure you’re aware, basking in the balmy beneficence of the year of the pig. And not just any old sty-born porker, but the propitious golden pig, a gilded swine who comes round only once in a human lifetime. Those born in its year can expect wealth, luck, sunny intervals and all the nympho totty they can handle. In fact, being a teacher in 16 years’ time is going to be a nightmare, with classes full of smug little Ferris Buellers.

I was born in the year of the horse. Horses are good with chips and useful for growing roses. It was a good year for sperm donors. People often wonder how a nation as sophisticated as the Chinese came up with the frankly ridiculous idea of pinning animals to the calendar. Well, funny you should ask. They copied it from a bestial almanac that came originally from South Yorkshire and was taken to China by the now largely forgotten Wilf Ramsbottom, an apprentice explorer and travelling salesman of high-end foundation garments. He took a wrong turn while looking for fat women in Milan and ended up east of the Yangtze, where he gave the locals the boneless-corset/garter combo, sausage rolls (which came back to us as spring rolls) and the South Yorkshire anthropomorphic calendar, which, back home, has been sadly lost and forgotten in the fog of self-satisfaction that is God’s own county.

Until now, that is. Thanks to the Doncaster Folk Museum and Strike Experience Education Centre, I have rediscovered the old beastly horoscope. It starts with the year of the ferret. Children born in the year of the ferret will be loud, boorish, ugly and double mean. Lucky stone: breeze block. Lucky body part: bruised elbow. Lucky car part: Cortina carburettor. Spiritual word: “by”.

Next is the year of the pigeon. Pigeon people are loud, boorish, ugly and double mean. Lucky stone: gall. Lucky body part: little waggly thing at back of gob. Lucky car part: hub cap. Spiritual word: “nowt”.

Then, the year of the whippet. Those born in the year of the whippet are loud, boorish, ugly and double mean. Lucky stone: gravel. Lucky body part: mole on stalk. Lucky car part: cigarette lighter. Spiritual word: “t’ ”.

And so on, through the years of the carrion crow, flat cap, daft monkey, wasp, kipper, greenfly, snapdragon, small boy and pit pony, which are all in much the same vein.

Nobody actually knows why the Yorkshire bestiary died out, to be replaced by the European horoscope. It’s thought that it was because the animal years were so relentlessly accurate. “It’s odd,” says Hilda, the woman who curates and dusts the folk museum.

“Whenever I show them to visitors, they say, ‘Damned cheek!’ Yorkshire people really don’t like being told the truth. But it only works in Yorkshire. I’ve read them to people from Nottingham and Bogota, and it wasn’t like them at all.”

So, there it is: Yorkshire’s bestial almanac. If you’d like to know more, I suggest you take a long, hard look at your life and try to fill it with useful and interesting things.

Thos.

[AlanHo]

catgate is far more succinct - he has a flair for putting over a point in a few well chosen words - not needing a long diatribe.

Having said that - the article is very funny - assuming it is not intended to be serious of course.

[Thos]

catgate is far more succinct - he has a flair for putting over a point in a few well chosen words - not needing a long diatribe.

Really? I seem to remember quite a few long diatribes in which you, AlanHo, took a major part which rambled into surreal worlds which had me in stitches and at one point, had artist offering to be your agent. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thos.

[catgate]

I think it is wonderful, and just wish I could turn out stuff as good as that on a regular basis.

[AlanHo]

Really? I seem to remember quite a few long diatribes in which you, AlanHo, took a major part which rambled into surreal worlds which had me in stitches and at one point, had artist offering to be your agent. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thos.

Unfortunately artist and I were unable to agree terms for her to be my agent - she wanted more of me than I was allowed to give.

I would take this opportunity of refuting your allegation that I have indulged in diatribes. In my formative years I was a boy scout and thus taught proper behaviour. I wore my woggle with pride and would not have indulged in any behaviour that besmirched it - or what it stood for. The only surreal worlds I rambled into were the local bluebell woods where Artist and I might first have become bosom friends.

Dib dib dib.

[catgate]

Ah! Boy Scout days. I remember a dire tribe of Girl Guides near our troop H.Q. (that's posh for shed).

Our motto, as good Boy Scouts, was, "Be Prepared". The Girl Guides motto was "Take them Unawares". I remember one nice little freckle faced blonde who got a bit mixed up and insisted it was "Take their Underwear". Still it was fun, even if we a bit chilly afterwards. I still have some small scars left, even now as I write.

[andsome]

Really? I seem to remember quite a few long diatribes in which you, AlanHo, took a major part which rambled into surreal worlds which had me in stitches and at one point, had artist offering to be your agent. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thos.

Unfortunately artist and I were unable to agree terms for her to be my agent - she wanted more of me than I was allowed to give.

I would take this opportunity of refuting your allegation that I have indulged in diatribes. In my formative years I was a boy scout and thus taught proper behaviour. I wore my woggle with pride and would not have indulged in any behaviour that besmirched it - or what it stood for. The only surreal worlds I rambled into were the local bluebell woods where Artist and I might first have become bosom friends.

Dib dib dib.

Does Artist know that you have desires to be friendly with her bosom? :D