Not rearing Pigs

[Gandalph]

I have just received the following letter from my youngest Son who had it passed onto him by one of his friends. Although i think it highly unlikely that it was sent to the recipient, it raises the question with me could it actually have been sent knowing how the Law is for Farmers at the moment with all this laying aside arable land etc,.

e-mail received:

Actual Letter to David Miliband MP

Rt Hon David Miliband MP

Secretary of State,

Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),

Nobel House 17

Smith Square LONDON

SW1P 3JR

9 august 2007

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a

cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not

rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs"

business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs

on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to

be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all

government policies, as dictated by the EU under the

Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type

you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are

there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as

Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many

people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping

an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are

there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been

rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made

on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he

received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not

rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding

myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean

about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in

not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps

increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year,

for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your

department.

Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradeable

carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and

polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat

2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay

farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for

not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so

please send any information you have on that too. Please

could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside

fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual

fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally

unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment

benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general

election.

Yours faithfully,

Makes you wonder if it could be an actual letter doesn't it. :D

[andsome]

Funny though this sounds, it is a damned good reason for leaving the E.U. :D

[catgate]

That is wonderful. The writer will probably be offered a consultancy with DEFRA (or who ever they are these days) to fill in the time when he is not rearing pigs.

[Gandalph]

That is wonderful. The writer will probably be offered a consultancy with DEFRA (or who ever they are these days) to fill in the time when he is not rearing pigs.

And would probably get all expenses paid to get to DEFRA and also Hotel bills paid. :D