catgate Posted December 12, 2008 Report Share Posted December 12, 2008 I think it is now near enough the festering season for me to issue my usual guide lines for inner contentment at this time of the year. More than 22 Ways to survive the Christmas Festivities1. Ensure you are in the peak of condition for the festive trials about to be encountered. Drink lots and lots of alcohol, in all its various forms, for several days leading up to an event. In this way, even if the particular event is not to your liking or you show yourself up, you will be totally oblivious to it.2. No one likes a glutton, so do not let anyone see you eating the left over jelly and trifle.3. A sing-song is perpetually popular at Christmas, so if you can knock out a tune on your piano always take it with you to parties. You will invariably be welcome. 4. Always wash behind your ears.5. Keep a packet of icing sugar handy.6. Remember to replace the battery in granny's hearing aid with an old dead one. In this way she will not be able to complain about the excessive noise, and you should get a few laughs as a bonus.7. Inner cleanliness is a must at this time of the year. Start a couple of weeks before Christmas and take out your spleen each day. Rinse it in a weak mixture of washing up liquid and dry Martini and then dab it dry, on a paper kitchen towel, prior to popping it back. Do the same with your gall bladder if you get dyspepsia too often during the festivities, but substitute Asti Spumanti for the dry Martini (well it is Christmas).8. Try to enter into the spirit of things by hanging the Christmas decorations in a novel way this year. The ladies could decorate the inside of their handbags with baubles and streamers whilst the gentlemen could hang fairy lights right up the inside of their trouser legs.9. Should you wake up and peer blearily into the mirror after a "night before" and think "Oh my God ! What a mess. Don't I look awful!", take heart from the fact that given only the smallest bit of luck you will soon be looking something like normal, whereas Barbara Cartland had to go through life permanently looking like that.10. When it comes to presents don't be seen to be mean. A little care in looking through and selecting those carefully stored unwanted trivialities, that you received as presents last year, should result in your apparent generosity, when they are neatly wrapped in last years used, but carefully stored and ironed, wrappings.11. Do not smile too much. People will think either you are inebriated or you are "up to something".12. Should carol singers turn up at your front door do not open it and tell them to go away. Instead, creep out of the back door and round to the front, surreptitiously join them and start singing, pretending you are a second lot of singers. That way, if someone does come to the door with charity or hospitality, you will be on the receiving end.13. Never look a gift horse in the mouth, nor, if it has just been fed, stand too near it at the other end.14. Remember Mrs. Shackleton.15. A nice seasonal gesture would be to enquire about the Neighbourhood Watch and then offer to wind it up a couple of times.16. Try to obtain one of the latest open-toe, slingback parcel shelves. Then sterilise it.17. Collect all the giblets you possibly can. If you are lucky you could start an EU giblet mountain, and may be get an award for consevation.. 18. Try to find out what it was that Robin Hood made Marion, and why.19. Do not overfill your granddad's waistcoat with loose suet.20. Try to avoid too much Television, it's not good for you. Look what it did for Bruce Forsythe and his saga. 21. If the conversation at any time gets round to someone you know, remember the old Christmas saying, "If you can find nothing nice to say about a person, then find something nasty".22.One of the things you can do if you have a heavy hangover is to boil a couple of lemons for ten minutes, or until they have just gone soft, place them between two slices of wholemeal brown bread (avoid Hovis), and post them to Margaret Beckett.23. When you are next in his proximity have a good look at the parsons nose. It may do nothing for your appreciation of the finer points of fowl anatomy but it could give you a good giggle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 12, 2008 Report Share Posted December 12, 2008 :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted December 12, 2008 Report Share Posted December 12, 2008 It all seems very sound advice to me except for no.5 ??? - and no.14. Who is Mrs Shackleton?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 12, 2008 Report Share Posted December 12, 2008 It all seems very sound advice to me except for no.5 ??? - and no.14. Who is Mrs Shackleton??Mr Shackleton's wife.............................. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted December 12, 2008 Report Share Posted December 12, 2008 It all seems very sound advice to me except for no.5 ??? - and no.14. Who is Mrs Shackleton??Mr Shackleton's wife.............................. :lol:........and he is????............... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catgate Posted December 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 12, 2008 It all seems very sound advice to me except for no.5 ??? - and no.14. Who is Mrs Shackleton??Mr Shackleton's wife.............................. :lol:........and he is????...............Mrs. Shackleton's husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted December 12, 2008 Report Share Posted December 12, 2008 AAAaaaaah.............. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gandalph Posted December 12, 2008 Report Share Posted December 12, 2008 I'm saying nowt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 12, 2008 Report Share Posted December 12, 2008 I'm saying nowt. Best thing. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catgate Posted December 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 12, 2008 AAAaaaaah.............. Stepen Potter, in his series "Gamesmanship". "Lifemanship" and "Oneupmanship" has a section called "Beinggoodwithchildrenship". In this he recommended that at a party children be taken aside and gently told to "Remember Mrs Harrison."I have long thought what excellent advice that was. However to save Mrs Harrison from trouble, because she must now be a venerable old gal...I read of her in the 50s.....I decided to give Mrs Shackleton a turn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 12, 2008 Report Share Posted December 12, 2008 I decided to give Mrs Shackleton a turn.Why would you give Mrs Shackleton a seabird that cannot spell its own name?Why not chuck bricks at it to comply with the adage - never leave a tern unstoned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted December 13, 2008 Report Share Posted December 13, 2008 Mad! The lot of you............... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 13, 2008 Report Share Posted December 13, 2008 Mad! The lot of you............... But lovely with it. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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