AlanHo Posted November 16, 2007 Author Report Share Posted November 16, 2007 Qasi Modo came into the pub today - he ordered a double whisky. "Bells alright" asked the barmaid. "Mind your own bloody business he replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catgate Posted November 16, 2007 Report Share Posted November 16, 2007 He always had a chip on his shoulder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted November 17, 2007 Report Share Posted November 17, 2007 He always had a chip on his shoulder.I think that's a bag full of chips. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted November 17, 2007 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2007 A rather attractive woman came up to the bar yesterday. She gestured alluringly to the barman who went to serve her immediately. When he arrived at the end of the bar, she seductively signalled that he should bring his face close to hers. When he did so, she began to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the landlord?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replied. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asked, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathed the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?""Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continued huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted November 17, 2007 Report Share Posted November 17, 2007 Qasi Modo came into the pub today - he ordered a double whisky. "Bells alright" asked the barmaid. "Mind your own bloody business he replied.Just taking the hump? :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted November 17, 2007 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2007 In the midlands they say "Av yo got the 'ump ar kid...? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted November 17, 2007 Report Share Posted November 17, 2007 "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continued huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies." :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted November 17, 2007 Report Share Posted November 17, 2007 Was the barman Gandalph by chance? :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted November 17, 2007 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2007 Was the barman Gandalph by chance? :DIf it had been - the story would have been told in an appropriate accent ...like"I'm afraid I canna tell yer lassy" breathed the barman - clearly aroused. "Ist there anything I ken dooo?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 1, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2007 I just opened up so andsome could buy Craig the promised virtual drink. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 1, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2007 Sister Mary from the village convent was in here earlier. She was looking terrible - I have never seen anyone look worse. She usually comes in with her collection tin but this time - to my amazement - she downed a couple of neat whiskies then went on her way.Our village doctor came in afterwards and I told him the sister Mary looked ill - but he knew all about it.He told me that he had advised her this morning that she was pregnant."Oh dear" says I "How awful for her""Oh its not all that bad" explained the doctor "I told her that to cure her week-old hiccups". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 1, 2007 Report Share Posted December 1, 2007 I just opened up so andsome could buy Craig the promised virtual drink.I've left 50P with the barman. :lol: Sister Mary from the village convent was in here earlier. She was looking terrible - I have never seen anyone look worse. She usually comes in with her collection tin but this time - to my amazement - she downed a couple of neat whiskies then went on her way.Our village doctor came in afterwards and I told him the sister Mary looked ill - but he knew all about it.He told me that he had advised her this morning that she was pregnant."Oh dear" says I "How awful for her""Oh its not all that bad" explained the doctor "I told her that to cure her week-old hiccups".Brilliant. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 4, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2007 We had a serious fire at the village convent yesterday.The Village Bugle reporter was telling me over a pint or two that a group of nuns were trapped on the third floor. Thinking quickly, they decide to take off their habits, tie them together, and use them as a rope to climb down from the window. After safely reaching the ground, the reporter asked them “Weren’t you worried that the habits would have torn as you were climbing down? They look to be awfully worn and old!” he said.“Of course not!” replied one of the nuns. “Don’t you know how hard it is to break an old habit?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catgate Posted December 4, 2007 Report Share Posted December 4, 2007 Wonderful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted December 5, 2007 Report Share Posted December 5, 2007 We seem to be attracting all the wrong people!We need a bouncer at the door. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 5, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2007 We seem to be attracting all the wrong people!We need a bouncer at the door. :DCan you think of any suitable candidates - so I can go head-hunting....as you know the virtual pay is quite good considering the few hours on duty per week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted December 5, 2007 Report Share Posted December 5, 2007 We seem to be attracting all the wrong people!We need a bouncer at the door. :DCan you think of any suitable candidates - so I can go head-hunting....as you know the virtual pay is quite good considering the few hours on duty per week.How about Irene? :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 5, 2007 Report Share Posted December 5, 2007 This thread is about as long now as one of PANICKY'S. :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 5, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2007 ...........PANICKY'S. :lol: :lol:I really like that play on words...nice one andsome................. :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted December 5, 2007 Report Share Posted December 5, 2007 We seem to be attracting all the wrong people! We need a bouncer at the door. :D Can you think of any suitable candidates - so I can go head-hunting....as you know the virtual pay is quite good considering the few hours on duty per week. How about Irene? :D :0 Me a bouncer?Mmmm... maybe I do have a good hip-swing, which would definitely give a good bounce. :lol: So, if the pay is good, I'll give it a try.We pensioners have to be prepared to do what we can to boost the coffers. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rong Posted December 5, 2007 Report Share Posted December 5, 2007 The mind boggles, Irene bouncing :0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 5, 2007 Report Share Posted December 5, 2007 We seem to be attracting all the wrong people! We need a bouncer at the door. :D Can you think of any suitable candidates - so I can go head-hunting....as you know the virtual pay is quite good considering the few hours on duty per week. How about Irene? :D :0 Me a bouncer?Mmmm... maybe I do have a good hip-swing, which would definitely give a good bounce. :lol: So, if the pay is good, I'll give it a try.We pensioners have to be prepared to do what we can to boost the coffers. :DI bet you have one or two other things that bounce quite nicely too. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted December 5, 2007 Report Share Posted December 5, 2007 We seem to be attracting all the wrong people! We need a bouncer at the door. :D Can you think of any suitable candidates - so I can go head-hunting....as you know the virtual pay is quite good considering the few hours on duty per week. How about Irene? :D :0 Me a bouncer? Mmmm... maybe I do have a good hip-swing, which would definitely give a good bounce. :lol: So, if the pay is good, I'll give it a try. We pensioners have to be prepared to do what we can to boost the coffers. :D I bet you have one or two other things that bounce quite nicely too. :D You're not wrong there. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 5, 2007 Report Share Posted December 5, 2007 :lol: We seem to be attracting all the wrong people! We need a bouncer at the door. :D Can you think of any suitable candidates - so I can go head-hunting....as you know the virtual pay is quite good considering the few hours on duty per week. How about Irene? :D :0 Me a bouncer? Mmmm... maybe I do have a good hip-swing, which would definitely give a good bounce. :lol: So, if the pay is good, I'll give it a try. We pensioners have to be prepared to do what we can to boost the coffers. :D I bet you have one or two other things that bounce quite nicely too. :D You're not wrong there. ;) :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted December 5, 2007 Report Share Posted December 5, 2007 These two look as if they've been over doing it..... :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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