AlanHo Posted December 6, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2007 The village priest never ceases to surprise me. Today I discovered a bit more about his sense of humour.Apparently a new nun came to her first confession. She told him that she had a terrible secret. The priest assured her that her secret was safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She said, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckled and said "I told her that's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 6, 2007 Report Share Posted December 6, 2007 The mind boggles. :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted December 6, 2007 Report Share Posted December 6, 2007 The village priest never ceases to surprise me. Today I discovered a bit more about his sense of humour.Apparently a new nun came to her first confession. She told him that she had a terrible secret. The priest assured her that her secret was safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She said, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckled and said "I told her that's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar." I think those nuns joining your walking group have had a bad influence on you. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 12, 2007 The village priest was having a quiet drink in the lounge bar last night when the door burst open and Sister Mary burst in. She was clearly in a very advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just wait until you hear this!” The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?” “Well, Father” the nun began, “I was in the public bar with my collection tin and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!” “A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest. “But that’s not what has me so shocked, Father,” replied the nun, “it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!” “What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?” “Well, I hit the ceiling, father.” To which the priest replied, “How much did you win?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted December 12, 2007 Report Share Posted December 12, 2007 You'll never go to heaven, Alan. :lol: :lol: Not certain that I will either. I'm not sure I'd know anyone there anyway! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 12, 2007 Report Share Posted December 12, 2007 The village priest was having a quiet drink in the lounge bar last night when the door burst open and Sister Mary burst in. She was clearly in a very advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just wait until you hear this!” The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?” “Well, Father” the nun began, “I was in the public bar with my collection tin and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!” “A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest. “But that’s not what has me so shocked, Father,” replied the nun, “it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!” “What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?” “Well, I hit the ceiling, father.” To which the priest replied, “How much did you win?”Like it. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 13, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2007 We had a harrowing incident in the restaurant last evening. A chap cut his penis off at the end of his meal and left it on the table.We sent for the paramedics who asked him why he had done it.He said he was only trying to leave a tip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 13, 2007 Report Share Posted December 13, 2007 We had a harrowing incident in the restaurant last evening. A chap cut his penis off at the end of his meal and left it on the table.We sent for the paramedics who asked him why he had done it.He said he was only trying to leave a tip.GROAN! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 13, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2007 GROAN!Since you are in one of your grumpy moods again - I will cheer you up with an advance peek at the Christmas dinner special in the pub restaurant.Top of the menu4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree sauce.Just need one of your recipes though.................... :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 13, 2007 Report Share Posted December 13, 2007 I prefer turkey. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 13, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2007 I prefer turkey. :DYou want stuffin....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 13, 2007 Report Share Posted December 13, 2007 I prefer turkey. :DYou want stuffin.......Not at present thanks. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 16, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 16, 2007 I went and sat in the public gallery of the County Court last Friday to follow up a court case which resulted from an incident in the pub a few weeks ago.An Irish family had hired our assembly room for a wedding reception. Unfortunately, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the room and generally kicked the living daylights out of each other. I finished up having to send for the Police to break up the fight.All members of both families appeared in court whereupon the fight started all over again and the Judge finally brought some calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room went silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stood up and said, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand. Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional at an Irish wedding for the Best Man to have the first dance with the bride. The judge said, "Okay - but what does that have to do with the fracas." "Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs." Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!" "Hurt?!" Paddy replied. "You bet it hurt - it was bloody agony - he broke three of my fingers!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 29, 2007 Author Report Share Posted December 29, 2007 A truck driver stopped at the pub for lunch. He ordered a ploughmans, pint of the best and a packet of crisps.As he was about to eat, three Hells Angels on motorbikes pulled up outside. The bikers came in. One grabbed the trucker's cheese and took a bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's beer and the third wolfed down the crisps. The Truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the barman, and left. When he was gone, one of the Hells Angels said, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the barman explained "He just backed his truck over three motorbikes. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 29, 2007 Report Share Posted December 29, 2007 I went and sat in the public gallery of the County Court last Friday to follow up a court case which resulted from an incident in the pub a few weeks ago.An Irish family had hired our assembly room for a wedding reception. Unfortunately, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the room and generally kicked the living daylights out of each other. I finished up having to send for the Police to break up the fight.All members of both families appeared in court whereupon the fight started all over again and the Judge finally brought some calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room went silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stood up and said, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand. Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional at an Irish wedding for the Best Man to have the first dance with the bride. The judge said, "Okay - but what does that have to do with the fracas." "Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs." Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!" "Hurt?!" Paddy replied. "You bet it hurt - it was bloody agony - he broke three of my fingers!"BRILLIANT. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted January 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 The Guinness rep came into the pub this morning to collect his weekly order. He hung around for a free one and a chat.He told me that they had a serious accident at the factory last week - Shamus, the senior brewer, had fallen into a vat of Guinness and drowned.I muttered commiserations and said that at least he went fairly quickly.The guy said - "No he didn't - he got out three times for a pee". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 A Panda came into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he ate it quickly, then shots a drunk, and leaves the bar. A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?" The bartender replied, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal." And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'"What's it say?" asks the bartender. The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves." Boom Boom!! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 The Guinness rep came into the pub this morning to collect his weekly order. He hung around for a free one and a chat.He told me that they had a serious accident at the factory last week - Shamus, the senior brewer, had fallen into a vat of Guinness and drowned.I muttered commiserations and said that at least he went fairly quickly.The guy said - "No he didn't - he got out three times for a pee". :lol: :lol: :lol: A Panda came into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he ate it quickly, then shots a drunk, and leaves the bar. A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?" The bartender replied, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal." And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'"What's it say?" asks the bartender. The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves." Boom Boom!! :DGROAN. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 The Guinness rep came into the pub this morning to collect his weekly order. He hung around for a free one and a chat.He told me that they had a serious accident at the factory last week - Shamus, the senior brewer, had fallen into a vat of Guinness and drowned.I muttered commiserations and said that at least he went fairly quickly.The guy said - "No he didn't - he got out three times for a pee".A Panda came into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he ate it quickly, then shots a drunk, and leaves the bar. A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?" The bartender replied, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal." And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'"What's it say?" asks the bartender. The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves." Boom Boom!! :D :lol: :lol: :lol: Love them both....Just keep them coming!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted January 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 Two Irish drunks just staggered back into the bar after going for a Pee, one of them so plastered he had forgotten to zip his fly.After they sat down, Paddy said "don't move, you are sitting on a one eyed snake", picks up a bottle and smashes it on the head. "Hit it again" said Mick, "I just felt the bloody thing bite me". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D4\/!d Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 :P :lol: :D but not necessarily in that order B) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 Two Irish drunks just staggered back into the bar after going for a Pee, one of them so plastered he had forgotten to zip his fly.After they sat down, Paddy said "don't move, you are sitting on a one eyed snake", picks up a bottle and smashes it on the head. "Hit it again" said Mick, "I just felt the bloody thing bite me".Bigorrah!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Two Irish drunks just staggered back into the bar after going for a Pee, one of them so plastered he had forgotten to zip his fly.After they sat down, Paddy said "don't move, you are sitting on a one eyed snake", picks up a bottle and smashes it on the head. "Hit it again" said Mick, "I just felt the bloody thing bite me".Bigorrah!!!How do you know it was big? Were you there? :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted January 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Talking of big-horrorsOne of the young blokes in the village went for a rather wild holiday in Thailand where he caught VD.He told us that the village doc realised what he had got as soon as the holes appeared in his you know what and he was peeing in various directions.The Doc gave him a prescription for antibiotics and recommended that he should go and see James GalwayThe young fellow was confused and asked me if James Galway was some kind of specialistI told him that he was a famous flute player - and not a VD specialist - but could show him how to hold it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Talking of big-horrorsOne of the young blokes in the village went for a rather wild holiday in Thailand where he caught VD.He told us that the village doc realised what he had got as soon as the holes appeared in his you know what and he was peeing in various directions.The Doc gave him a prescription for antibiotics and recommended that he should go and see James GalwayThe young fellow was confused and asked me if James Galway was some kind of specialistI told him that he was a famous flute player - and not a VD specialist - but could show him how to hold it.I'll let Doug deal with this - or not....... :D :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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