MJR Posted September 22, 2009 Report Share Posted September 22, 2009 Hello AlanHo (not quite sure why I'm addressing you because you're on holiday, aren't you?) Still, perhaps you've left a nice barman/barmaid on duty here, so ...... as a newcomer who's obviously a drinker to have found this thread so early on in my voyaging .... you are all invited to a virtual drink on me this evening.It made me so sad when I saw your post: For the virtual pub to remain viable - like in real life - it need visitors and if you look back over the last few pages you will see how few we get.Mind you that is becoming the norm for the forum - apart from a flurry of new members posting problems from time to time - we are now down to only about 8 regular participants and most of those are what DW would call coffin dodgers.Excuse me, don't kill me in the rush or I won't be able to pay the virtual bill. Now then, who is first? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted September 23, 2009 Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 I'll have a pint of Smiths please. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJR Posted September 23, 2009 Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 Your wish is my command, andsome. A pint of Smiths it is. Cheers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted September 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 We had a fright yesterday – one of the local wealthy landed gentry choked on a fish bone in our restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the doctor enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. "Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully."Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered me when the bone was still stuck in your throat?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted September 24, 2009 Report Share Posted September 24, 2009 Thought I'd pop in too. I miss you old codgers - I'm enjoying me new job down at the Slug and Beetle.If you'd given me the pay rise I wouldn't have left...........I was a good barmaid too MJR.............. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJR Posted September 24, 2009 Report Share Posted September 24, 2009 I was a good barmaid too MJR.............. sad.gifSigns of a mis-spent youth, Artist? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rong Posted September 24, 2009 Report Share Posted September 24, 2009 I was a good barmaid too MJR.............. sad.gifSigns of a mis-spent youth, Artist?I think she's still miss-spending Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted September 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 Old Ned was telling me about his trip to the dentistHe went to have a tooth pulled. The dentist took out a needle to give him a shot of Novocain. "No way" says Ned, "no needles, I can't stand needles." The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but Ned again objected. "No gas, please, the mask on my face is suffocating to me." The dentist then asked him ifhe had any objection to taking a pill. "No," said Ned, "I'm fine with pills." The dentist then returned and says "Here's a Viagra tablet." Ned said "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill." "It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted September 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 Old Ned has a good sense of humour - he just told me this one...........She said – “look darling, why don’t you let me get you your favourite breakfast. Crispy bacon, fried eggs sunny side up, sausages, tomatoes and organic golden toasted bread with aromatic ground coffee and freshly squeezed orange juice”.“No thanks” he replied – “ever since I have been taking Viagra my appetite seems to have waned”.Four hours later she said – “Look honeykins I’m getting a bit worried about you not eating. Why don’t I get you a nice juicy sirloin steak cooked medium rare – just the way you like it with a nice crispy salad accompanied by a glass of your favourite cabernet sauvignon wine”“No thanks” he responded – “as I said before this Viagra is killing my appetite”Eight hours go by before she has another try – “Sweetheart, you are really getting me worried by not eating. Why don’t I get you a delicious salmon fillet, poached in white wine with fresh asparagus and broccoli followed by a dessert of fruits of the forest with fresh cream all accompanied by a perfectly chilled bottle of white Bordeaux”“Listen up” he says in exasperation “as I have already told you – the viagra has affected my appetite and I really don’t want anything to eat. It’s nice of you to ask – but no thanks really means no thank you”“OK, OK” she replied – “I will stop nagging you about it – but will you please get off me for a while because I’m bloody starving” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MJR Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 Some good ones there. :lol :lol: : :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted September 25, 2009 Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 Surely you have posted this one before??? :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted September 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2009 Surely you have posted this one before??? :DMight have - your starter for one - find the link to my original post................ Just making the point that Viagra possibly repeats on you........... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted September 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 Four old locals were in the bar having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.First old boy said, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."Second fellow said, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."Third chap says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."Fourth old fella said, "Well, I think it's the Indian-two-step diarrhea."All the others asked simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"Fourth old fella said, "I'll explain it to you. I went into town last night and drank a skinful of beer. On the way home, I stopped off at the Indian Restaurant and ate two helpings of chicken balti Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, followed by some sickly sweet dessert from the trolley."First old boy asked, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"Fourth old fella said, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on......" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted September 29, 2009 Report Share Posted September 29, 2009 This is turning into the joke forum............ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted October 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 A charity worker popped into the pub and asked our barmaid to donate some of her clothes to the starving people throughout the world.She told them it was a waste of time - anybody who would fit into her clothes isn't starving!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 She told them it was a waste of time - anybody who would fit into her clothes isn't starving!!Are you having a pop at me? :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 She told them it was a waste of time - anybody who would fit into her clothes isn't starving!!Are you having a pop at me? :D No comment. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted November 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 5, 2009 Poor old Ned was in the pub earlier looking very miserable. I asked him why - and he said he had suffered from depression for years and went on to explain why.................Once when lost as a child .. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him. "Do you think we'll ever find them." He said “I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out of a window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said "On your marks...When my father wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me.I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up to find a blind man reading my face.My wife made me join a bridge club. I’m scheduled to jump off next Tuesday.One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips…...yet she won't drink from my glass!I went for a walk in the park and some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said "No.. one drag is enough."I got myself good this morning. I did my push ups in the nude but I didn't see the mouse trap.A girl phoned me and said "Come on over there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!A hooker once told me she had a headache.I went to massage parlor. It was self service.If it weren't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate myself now."She was no bargain either. She had pigtails under her arms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted November 5, 2009 Report Share Posted November 5, 2009 Where the hell do you find them?? :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted November 5, 2009 Report Share Posted November 5, 2009 :lol: :lol: Makes you feel really sorry for the guy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted November 5, 2009 Report Share Posted November 5, 2009 Well - it saved posting them all separately I suppose... :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rong Posted November 5, 2009 Report Share Posted November 5, 2009 Where the hell do you find them?? :lol: Windows Forum, lounge, jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted November 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 11, 2009 A Dyslexic man walked into our our bra today........................... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted November 11, 2009 Report Share Posted November 11, 2009 Ooo - that was a bit of a booby........... :D :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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