catgate Posted December 20, 2006 Report Share Posted December 20, 2006 Young Moore's Almanac2007JanuaryPatricia Hewitt claims that the problem with so many mixed sex hospital wards is that there are insufficient mixed sex people to fill them.Tony Blair claims that his new licensing laws have been a great success. The number of people now being arrested for drink related offences has only gone up by 50%.The Pope demands another Crusade to the Holy Land to rescue it from Judaism.Mandonna is ordered to return the young Malawian lad back to his father.FebruaryThe BBC launches a new reality show called “Show Us Yer Granny”. In which contestants are picked at random from outside the Coventry Darby and Joan Club. Viewers will then ring in, on premium rate lines, claiming any of the contestants as their granny, and try to tell of Granny's most embarrassing experience.Tony Blair claims his peerage scheme was misunderstood from the start. David Cameron is hugged by a hoody. The hoody sues for common assault.MarchITV launch a new reality show called “Show us your mixed wards”. In which, each night, Patricia Hewitt goes round a different mixed ward, (with a collecting box), trying to prove to the patients that they are all the same sex.The Archcanterbury of Bishop consecrates Ann Robinson as Lord High Question Master of the Outer Hebrides. Maddona seeks to adopt Archbishop Desmond Tutu.Gordon Brown confirms that PFI means Please Forget It.AprilThe Pope comes back from the Holy Land converted to Islam.Channel 4 launches a reality programme called “Grannies through the Keyhole”. In which each contestant cuts up their granny and pokes the pieces through the keyhole of a door to a mixed ward.Madonna finds that Archbishop Desmond Tutu has already been adopted by Sir Elton JohnThe “cash for peerages” investigation report (handily completed just before the elections) proves beyond all doubt that Barons, Lords, and other titles, and awards of lands and favours, in return for “services” to the crown, have been going on since William the Conquerer's time. So that's alright then. The Assistant Commissioner who headed the enquiry is found in the woods with his wrists slashed.MayFollowing the debacle of the municipal elections, where the contestants on ITV's latest reality programme, “Show us your X Factor Granny”, were elected onto all the councils in the country, Gordon Brown has quit politics and has gone into show business. He is now touring with a production of Sigmund Romberg's “The Prudent Prince”.It turns out in court that David Mills (co-defendant with Berlusconi) is son of Mrs Mills (pianist of the 60s) and brother to Heather Mills. He is asked to help his sister in her divorce case, but when she is told it costs an arm and a leg for his services she decides against it. She says “I simply wouldn't have a leg to stand on, and I couldn't stand cheek by Jowell”JuneDue to deficiencies in the modern education curriculum a cricket Test match is, for the first time, played at Lourdes.BBC2 launches “How clean is your Granny”. In each episode of which Aggy Thripple and Delores Twonk take a granny each and demonstrate new ways of Laundering, Starching and Ironing a Granny, in line with current Health and Safety, Institute of Corporate Hygiene and Northern Fish Fryers manuals of Good Practice. Tony Blair flees the country.Madonna adopts the Pope.JulyPatricia Hewitt is alleged to be the estranged daughter of Major James Hewitt, former lover of the Princess of Wales, and agrees to be medically examined to disprove it. She turns out to be Patrick Hewitt, and thus is explained her problem with mixed sexes. During the examination Patrick Hewitt's left gonad is found to be a chimpanzee's. However he does have a human right.Channel 4 launches “Last of the Summer Grannies”, a series of re-runs, featuring Marge Proops, Mrs. Whitehouse, Thora Hird, Douglas Hurd and Norman Lamont, with guest appearances by Barbara Cartland and Norman Wisdom.Tony Blair turns up in Washington disguised as a porter at the White House.AugustWith Tony Blair and Gordon Brown out of the way the Scottish Nationalists unpick the stitching that has been holding Scotland and England together for many generations. Sadly Scotland drifts away and, without its support, it unfortunately sinks, half way to Greenland. The only trace is a 400 mile porridge slick and clouds of circling pibrochs.Channel 5 do a mini series called “Scottish Grannies down the Ages”, featuring Will Fyfe and the Crankies.With the start of the grouse shooting season John Prescott is taken out side and shot.George Bush appeals to Osama bin Laden for political asylum in a safe cave near his own.SeptemberMadonna reports the Pope is sulking and will not come down stairs to eat. His food has to be taken up to him and left outside his door. She threatens that ...“if he does not stop buggering about”... she will start pushing photographs of Barbara Cartland, or maybe Streisand, or both, under the door.Osama bin Laden says he will give George Bush the keys to the next cave if he will pull the troops out of Afghanistan, and make that Rice woman to get a more sensible name...”less like a leaning tenement block”.There is a growing groundswell in the country, for David Cameron, who is quite obviously of Scottish decent, to emigrate to his native land. Offers of SCUBA equipment inundate Conservative Central Office.ITV launch a breakfast time re-run of Jaque Cousteau's “Grannies of the Ocean”, staring Mae West and Free Willy.OctoberA situation arises in Westminster, due to the disappearance of Scotland, where it becomes obvious that threequarters of MPs will have to be interned as aliens, since they are no longer qualified to sit in Westminster because they now have no constituancy, and/or they now have no domicile within what is left of the UK. They are therefore classed as illegal unemployed immigrants.Madonna reports that the Pope has gone missing.BBC2 starts a series called “Ready Steady Cook for Grannies”, hosted by Judith Chalmers. Each week Ken Dodd pops in and shouts,”What's the weather like out there, Judith? You little Forces Favourite, you.”NovemberPatrick Hewitt reverts to virgin status and takes over all the mixed wards. The NHS is renamed the National Hewitt Shambles.Due to the lack of suitably appropriate personages Wilf Harrison, the cleaner from the Palace of Westminster's Canteen, makes an apology, on behalf of the Catholic Church, for Guy Fawkes' efforts at trying destroy the place. From henceforth the 5th of November is to be known as “The day that Democracy Survived in the Face of All Odds Thanks to Several Brave Men and True”. Henceforth all fires and fireworks will be banned and a new multifaith lottery will be inaugerated for the over 80s. It will be called Gamble yer Granny. Any over 80s granny can be put forward as a prize. The cost of putting up a prize will be £10,000, which will go towards preventing a salvage attempt for Scotland.Madonna is prevented from adopting Sir Elton John.DecemberAn unmarked helicopter lands in Afghanistan and out step five figures clad in burkas asking for directions to Osama bin Laden's refuge caves. The wind suddenly whips away their coverings and they are revealed as Bush, Blair, Rumsfeld, Rice and the Pope. They are told that bin Laden has just rushed off to answer an urgent request to take over the White House.NBC starts a new series called “My Imam's better'n yor Imam”.Madonna adopts a Cornish pasty and a nasty attitude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watchful Posted December 20, 2006 Report Share Posted December 20, 2006 That is so funny :lol: :lol: :lol: best laugh I've had for ages. Must print it off for the other half who's somewhere in a world of his own on DAB radio. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gandalph Posted December 20, 2006 Report Share Posted December 20, 2006 I can hardly see through the tears to type pripoperly. :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watchful Posted December 20, 2006 Report Share Posted December 20, 2006 catgate, you ought to write scripts for Rory Bremner :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 21, 2006 Report Share Posted December 21, 2006 catgate, you ought to write scripts for Rory Bremner :DSomeone ought to. Liked that. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thos Posted December 21, 2006 Report Share Posted December 21, 2006 Beautiful. What have you got against Grannies? Don't answer that.It all culminates in a superb last line: "Madonna adopts a cornish psty and a nasty attidude" Soooooooooooo funny.Thos. :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catgate Posted December 21, 2006 Author Report Share Posted December 21, 2006 Beautiful. What have you got against Grannies? Don't answer that.It all culminates in a superb last line: "Madonna adopts a cornish psty and a nasty attidude" Soooooooooooo funny.Thos. :lol: :lol: :lol:Glad you liked it.I tried desperately to work Condaleeza Crispies in somewhere, but failed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r4may Posted December 21, 2006 Report Share Posted December 21, 2006 Marvellously Funny :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 22, 2006 Report Share Posted December 22, 2006 Beautiful. What have you got against Grannies? Don't answer that.It all culminates in a superb last line: "Madonna adopts a cornish psty and a nasty attidude" Soooooooooooo funny.Thos. :lol: :lol: :lol:Glad you liked it.I tried desperately to work Condaleeza Crispies in somewhere, but failed.I have no doubt that you will think of a way. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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