Thank goodness we've got a police force

[catgate]

It has just been reported on TV that the Hull Police Commissioner has announced that minor theft and criminal damage are no longer going to be investigated unless there is an obvious suspect. Does that mean we are now free to go and give Fat John a small duffing up, and scrape his cars (slightly) without any retribution.

[-pops-]

That attitude has been with the police force for many years now. The Hull Police Commissioner is just the first one to confirm it in words.

[Watchful]

Which police force is that then? :rolleyes:

A village near here still has a Police station which closes at 4pm! Of course, the gangs cause all the trouble in the evenings don't they? A ride through yesterday revealed, yet again, a string of smashed bus shelters and telephone kiosks. I thought that they had all been replaced with rigid perspex by now, but no :blink:

It seems we have a police force with no presence and no powers :(

[andsome]

In Chasetown Staffordshire, over £1,000,000 was spent on demolishing and building a new police station. It is open for just a few hours a day, and does not have any detention cells. There is a telephone on the wall outside to enable you to call Cannock instead. There is one law for us so called commoners, and another for royalty. Just look at the number of police who rushed to Buck House when batman climbed onto a balcony.

[Belatucadrus]

THX 1138 in real life In the movie THX gets away because the police stop chasing him when they exceed costs.

Not so long ago some police whizz set fiscal limits on shop lifting below £ 75 quid or so and they couldn't be bothered to show up.

Do 32mph and you're nailed, refuse to pay exorbitantly hiked council taxes and you're in the slammer, suggest that an MP is a liar and get a police record classifying you as a terrorist. Steal £74 worth of stuff from an honest trader and bugger all happens.

New labour, crime pays.

[catgate]

THX 1138 in real life In the movie THX gets away because the police stop chasing him when they exceed costs.

Not so long ago some police whizz set fiscal limits on shop lifting below £ 75 quid or so and they couldn't be bothered to show up.

Do 32mph and you're nailed, refuse to pay exorbitantly hiked council taxes and you're in the slammer, suggest that an MP is a liar and get a police record classifying you as a terrorist. Steal £74 worth of stuff from an honest trader and bugger all happens.

New labour, crime pays.

Tough on Crime...Tough on the Causes of Crime

[Watchful]

^ Funny post^ :lol:

[andsome]

^ Funny post^ :lol:

Brilliant post you mean. :lol: :lol:

[r4may]

The main priority of all UK police forces is to collect stealth tax (fines) from the criminals known as the motorist.

There always seem to be dozens of them at the scene of an accident, all standing around doing very little. :angry:

[catgate]

The main priority of all UK police forces is to collect stealth tax (fines) from the criminals known as the motorist.

There always seem to be dozens of them at the scene of an accident, all standing around doing very little. :angry:

Yes it is pitiful to see them just standing there.

Some years ago I was moved to write to the chairman of a ferry company offering help on this matter. He did not avail himself of my aid! :-

UPWOOD INDUSTRIAL SERVICES

CATGATE Tel. 0272 853293

EAGLE ROAD.

BROOKFIELD

EMBSAY YORKS

BD8 6TS 03/10/94

Dear sir,

My wife and I have just returned from a trip to Ireland aboard one of your ferries. I think it was called the Hernia.

One of the most prominent and arresting, and at the same time pitiable, sights, both in Holyhead and Dun Laoghaire, was the mournful, hangdog way in which many of your staff undertook there "standing about" duties.

I can appreciate that you may need all these people to do nothing but just stand about for hour after hour, though for what purpose I am not sure, but surely you could at least have them trained to look as though they know what that purpose is, and to look as though they enjoy standing about for a living.

They just stand there with vacant gaze, looking at everything and seeing nothing. Their minds turned to unthinking putty. One poor sod, whom I had personally witnessed stand for an hour and a half ( whilst the Seacat ran "about half an hour" late), even forgot the secret combination that unlocked the lock on the gate, that it was his duty to undo, to let we who count for nothing into the sacred loading ground.

The real purpose of this letter is to inform you that we, here at Upwood Industrial Services, are about to start this years series of training courses for industry. One of our courses, entitled "Successful Industrial Standing About, and Leaning, for the Nineties" could well be of interest to you and many of your employees.

The course, which is not yet fully booked, starts on November 13th., and covers such topics as :-

* How to appear engrossed whilst wishing it was home time.

* Sky (or Sea ) watching for time consumption.

* Techniques for appearing to be carefully observing the public whilst remaining totally detached and anaesthetised.

* The Fixed smile.......its acquisition.

* The Fixed smile.........its worth as a weapon in public relations.

* The liability of a Fixed smile and how to get rid of it.

* The value of a blank expression.

* The value of a blank mind.

* Undetectable Callisthenic exercises for the Standabouter.

* High/Low Blood Pressure and the stale Ham Sandwich.

and many many more.

Other courses include "Standing About with and without a Hard Hat", "Vague Quayside Arm Waving - Basic", "Vague Quayside Arm Waving - Advanced", "Vague Quayside Arm Waving - with Disguised Purpose" and some, or all, may also be of interest to you. The last three mentioned above form the core material for the National Diploma, and examinations can be sat, by delegates, after the course, and we are authorised to issue N.D.V.Q.A.W. diplomas on behalf of the Institute.

Should you wish to avail yourself of any of these inexpensive training courses (EC grants are available) the cost is £230 (excluding food and accommodation) for the two days.

Delegates will be expected to bring writing materials and a strong pair of standing shoes.

[Watchful]

:clapping: :lol: :lol: You should write a book!

[dadyassa]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[andsome]

:clapping: :lol: :lol: You should write a book!

That almost was a book. :D :D :D

[Thos]

Excellent. Typical catgate.

Thos. :lol:

[Watchful]

Another 'Henry Root' in the making :D

[andsome]

Another 'Henry Root' in the making :D

WHO??????

[-pops-]

I'm astonished, andsome that you query the identity of Henry Root.

Root chastised the Archbishop of Canterbury for failing to thank him for the five pounds he had donated towards roof repairs; suggested to Margaret Thatcher (who kept the enclosed one pound) that Mary Whitehouse should be made Home Secretary; sympathised with the Queen about the "problems" she was having with Princess Anne ("My Doreen, 19, is completely off the rails too, so I know what it's like"); and told the Thorpe trial judge, Sir Joseph Cantley: "You tipped the jury the right way and some of your jokes were first class! Well done! You never looked to me like the sort of man who'd send an old Etonian to the pokey", a communication which brought a visit from the police, investigating allegations of attempted bribery.

He volunteered to run sundry failing football clubs; to visit the Chief Constable of Manchester with his newly formed-group The Ordinary Folk Against The Rising Tide of Filth in Our Society Situation (TOFATRFLOSS); asked Angela Rippon to send him a photograph of Anna Ford and enquired of the Tory Party director of finance the going rate for a peerage. He wrote to the late Sir James Goldsmith urging the elimination of "scroungers, perverts, Dutch pessary salesmen and Polly Toynbee". "Dear Mr Root", Goldsmith replied, "Thank you for your letter which I appreciated enormously."

Some recipients were puzzled, some furious, and some swallowed the hoax, hook, line and sinker. Nicholas Scott MP answered Root's letters about his love life, claiming that all was well between himself and his wife. The Foreign Office replied to Root's enquiries as to whether Mrs Root might be assaulted by "local Pedros" on holiday in Ibiza, informing him that "the activities to which you refer are indeed apt to occur in most popular tourist centres". When he told Sir David McNee, then Police Commissioner at Scotland Yard, that it was "better that 10 innocent men be convicted than that one guilty man goes free", he was told: "Your kind comments are appreciated."

Mrs Thatcher's first priority, Root informed general Zia-al Haq of Pakistan, was "the immediate restoration of the death penalty". The General thanked the sender for his "very pertinent views" and enclosed a photograph for Mrs Root. A letter in which Root informed Esther Rantzen that she was "a fat idiot" and her television show "a disgrace", received a reply assuring him that "hearing from viewers like yourself is a tremendous morale boost for all of us".

Paricularly pertinent at the moment is: "enquired of the Tory Party director of finance the going rate for a peerage. "

From (and more) here

[catgate]

Another 'Henry Root' in the making :D

Not quite. I never say "and here's a fiver towards your expenses".

Although I did once send back an errant piece of dried mushroom that had escaped from the factory by secreting itself in a bag of Knorr Swift Soup (or some such).

I sent it back because it seemed to me as though without it, to use for flavouring, they would just be selling packets of corn flower. And did I get thanks??

[andsome]

Now I'm getting lost. :lol:

[catgate]

Now I'm getting lost. :lol:

Don't worry, when you get really lost you can join my club! :)

http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Article1348.html

[Watchful]

-pops- That's the one.

The letters were very funny ;)

[catgate]

I was introduced to his work by a colleague in about 1984. I had just shown him a couple of letters I had written. One was to Kellogs, with nonsense answers to a none existant quiz and claiming my prize of a fortnights holiday in the Bahamas exploring the upper slopes and lower reaches of Olivia, Newton and John, whilst the other one was similar to a German brewery, enclosing some crown bottle caps, telling them the style and colour of the Mercedes I was claiming as my prize. Roger said, "I will bring you a good book to read".

Henry root is very funny, with just the right outlook on pomposity and "the great and the good".

I have just realised that one of my earlier post on this topic was dropped in on top of one from pops, which he posted as I was writing mine, and which, as a resuly I have only just seen. I also submitted a later one, which had I seen the one from pops, would have been quite unnecessary. Sorry about that pops. :paperbag1:

[-pops-]

No need to apologise - Root is always worth publicising.

[Watchful]

No need to apologise - Root is always worth publicising.

So is Catgate from what I've seen :lol:

[andsome]

This root wouldn't be the square root that we all hear so much about would it?