r4may Posted November 26, 2006 Report Share Posted November 26, 2006 Next time he'll have the ploughmans or bacon butty. :P :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 Andsome wandered into the bar after a game of bowls and looked over the menu. After a few minutes, our barmaid Artist, asked him what he’d like. Andsome said, "I'd like a quickie". Artist, being a modest lass, got a bit flushed and said, That's not funny - just cuz I had a lie down with you the other day does not give you permission to be saucy. Now, what would you like to order?" He said, "I'd really like a quickie". So Artist slapped him hard and stormed off angrily. Thos, somewhat amused at overhearing the conversation, leant over and said to andsome, "Um, I think that's pronounced 'quiche'"WRONG. I really did want a quickie. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 WRONG. I really did want a quickie. ;)TUT TUT TUT!!!! I'm not just a barmaid you know! :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 WRONG. I really did want a quickie. ;)TUT TUT TUT!!!! I'm not just a barmaid you know! :PYou are putting your foot in it more. I could make another comment there. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted November 27, 2006 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 Old farmer Giles was telling Catgate that an old country remedy for chapped lips is to lift up a cows tail and kiss it squarely and thoroughly on the rectum.Catgate, being one smart cookie, expressed disbelief and asked him how the hell it could possibly cure chapped lips."It don't actually cure 'em" said old Giles "but it sure stops you from licking 'em". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 Old farmer Giles was telling Catgate that an old country remedy for chapped lips is to lift up a cows tail and kiss it squarely and thoroughly on the rectum.Catgate, being one smart cookie, expressed disbelief and asked him how the hell it could possibly cure chapped lips."It don't actually cure 'em" said old Giles "but it sure stops you from licking 'em".YUK!!!No kissing after that either.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted November 27, 2006 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 One of our leading bowls players, well known for a number of things including, his strong political views which he bores people stiff with, being an overt breast fetishist and a reputation as a well known womanizer, walked into the bar and ordered a drink. Artist thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," he replied. "Some seriously angry husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "So stop," Artist said. "I can't," he replied, taking a long swill of his Smith's ale. "He didn't sign his name!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catgate Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 Old farmer Giles was telling Catgate that an old country remedy for chapped lips is to lift up a cows tail and kiss it squarely and thoroughly on the rectum.Catgate, being one smart cookie, expressed disbelief and asked him how the hell it could possibly cure chapped lips."It don't actually cure 'em" said old Giles "but it sure stops you from licking 'em".The reason he was telling me that was that I had just told him about the strange sight I had witnessed when the vet came to attend to his old horse. It had colic, caused by constipation. the vet said he would have to insert a suppository. This he started to do by introducing a tube into the horses rectum. He then put the suppository into the outer end of the tibe and started to blow. After going red in the face a few times he said he feared he was beaten. Giles' farm lad was stood by watching this and said, " Well let me have a go." Whereupon he whipped out the tube turned it round, shver the other end in and repeated the performance quite easily. The vet was amazed, and asked him why he had turned the tube around.The lad said," Well I worn't goin to 'ave that i' my mouth afte you'd had it in your'n". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r4may Posted November 27, 2006 Report Share Posted November 27, 2006 WRONG. I really did want a quickie. ;)TUT TUT TUT!!!! I'm not just a barmaid you know! :PYou are putting your foot in it more. I could make another comment there. :lol:You'll probably put your foot in it more if you make another comment :P :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted November 28, 2006 Report Share Posted November 28, 2006 One of our leading bowls players, well known for a number of things including, his strong political views which he bores people stiff with, being an overt breast fetishist and a reputation as a well known womanizer, walked into the bar and ordered a drink. Artist thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," he replied. "Some seriously angry husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "So stop," Artist said. "I can't," he replied, taking a long swill of his Smith's ale. "He didn't sign his name!"I still haven't found out who he is. Never mind, I won my game. :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted November 28, 2006 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2006 This big, ugly, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, came into the bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit and yelled, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar went deadly silent, as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slammed his hand on the bar and said to Artist, "Barmaid! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" Artist poured her a drink and the woman chugged it down.After she finished the drink, she turned to the patrons and, revealing her hairy armpit again, said, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"Once again, the little drunk slapped his hand down on the bar and said to Artist, "Barmaid, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"After serving the lady her second drink, Artist approached the little drunk and said, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted November 28, 2006 Report Share Posted November 28, 2006 Like it. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r4may Posted November 28, 2006 Report Share Posted November 28, 2006 :D :P :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted November 29, 2006 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2006 Entertainment for the snooker roomCue here Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted November 29, 2006 Report Share Posted November 29, 2006 Whoever knocks 'em down HAS to put them back up for the next player! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thos Posted November 29, 2006 Report Share Posted November 29, 2006 Whoever knocks 'em down HAS to put them back up for the next player! :D :D I shall watch then. :P Thos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r4may Posted November 29, 2006 Report Share Posted November 29, 2006 Nifty Pool :P :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted November 30, 2006 Report Share Posted November 30, 2006 They had something similar on TV a few days ago. They were attempting a new world record. I can't remember whether there were 2.4 million or 4.2 million dominoes.P.S. Just found a link Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted November 30, 2006 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2006 The Dutch group broke their own World record with 4.2 million dominoes and are already planning to use 4.5 million in another attempt next year.Unfortunately we don't have a room in our pub big enough for our own attempt. I therefore suggest we set a record for mentioning the Name B'liar the most times in 24 hours. Anyone care to represent us....? ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thos Posted November 30, 2006 Report Share Posted November 30, 2006 Unfortunately we don't have a room in our pub big enough for our own attempt. I therefore suggest we set a record for mentioning the Name B'liar the most times in 24 hours. Anyone care to represent us....? ;)You mean knock down anyone who does that? I will volunteer for that job.Just remember, I can't be touched. I wear glasses.Thos. :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted November 30, 2006 Report Share Posted November 30, 2006 Unfortunately we don't have a room in our pub big enough for our own attempt. I therefore suggest we set a record for mentioning the Name B'liar the most times in 24 hours. Anyone care to represent us....? ;)You mean knock down anyone who does that? I will volunteer for that job.Just remember, I can't be touched. I wear glasses.Thos. :PSo do I, so I vlounteer. :DB'LIAR X INFINITY. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted November 30, 2006 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2006 You lot missed a good knees up last night.We held the monthly get together for the local seniors and their friends. They usually have supper, a few drinks served by our glamorous barmaid, play bingo and reminisce. We heard that Thelma Martin's grandson is staying with her for a few weeks after getting into trouble over some marijuana. Anyway, Thelma is known for her delicious chocolate muffins and she always bakes up a batch for each get-together. She makes enough for everyone and some extra for people to take one home for later. For some reason, they were extra good this week and every last one of them was eaten. Not one was left over. It was only the following day we found out that Thelma's grandson laced the muffins with some of his marijuana.Knowing this, I guess it offers a logical reason for everyone feeling good that night. By the time catgate put on the bunny hop record, everyone was in a really good mood. It was the first time the whole place got up and danced.............. That is until the police arrived to follow up on the noise complaints from the neighbours. Well, that's another story..................... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tankus Posted November 30, 2006 Report Share Posted November 30, 2006 heh ...just spotted andsome .... Ive got a microsoft photocentre keyboard with a zoom feature ...100X times according to the blurb .... heh lots of uses ....a fine butt to the left .... If thats one of the bar maids ..Im comming here more often ..... innuendo is not really my bag ... I usually belong to the crass.... slap in the face ... 5 pinter brigade who think they are still funny on 6 ...... just shut up an ' sit in the corner as usual ...me thinks ...!....... but its a fine arse on the left ... where is nel anyways ...? ........ crusin fer a bruisin.............me .... heh !I thought that this was a pub out in the country ....innit ...?what ...the Friesians were complaining ....?catgate put them off their milk ?.... shame ....?we need a game of Fizz Buzz ..... all the locals ....just fer a quality munting an' some fun .....!first one to jackson pollock gets the next round in .......!my bets andsome .... pops fer the dark horse ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted November 30, 2006 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2006 heh ...just spotted andsome .... Ive got a microsoft photocentre keyboard with a zoom feature ...100X times according to the blurb .... heh lots of uses ....a fine butt to the left .... If thats one of the bar maids ..Im comming here more often ..... innuendo is not really my bag ... I usually belong to the crass.... slap in the face ... 5 pinter brigade who think they are still funny on 6 ...... just shut up an ' sit in the corner as usual ...me thinks ...!....... but its a fine arse on the left ... where is nel anyways ...? ........ crusin fer a bruisin.............me .... heh !I thought that this was a pub out in the country ....innit ...?what ...the Friesians were complaining ....?catgate put them off their milk ?.... shame ....?we need a game of Fizz Buzz ..... all the locals ....just fer a quality munting an' some fun .....!first one to jackson pollock gets the next round in .......!my bets andsome .... pops fer the dark horse ...I would be extremely grateful if some one could translate this into Queens English Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catgate Posted November 30, 2006 Report Share Posted November 30, 2006 I think it is along the lines of "It looks like the annual outing of the Heckmondwike Over 80s Nudist Syncronised Formation Leapfrog Team"I'm sure that is who they said they were when they came in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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