artist Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.B) Nope, no more booze for me.c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.d) No kebab for me, thank you.e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?f) I'm not interested in fighting you.g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doug Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 I'll let Doug deal with this - or not....... I don't know how to play the flute! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted January 24, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Two ladies met up at the pub today for a light lunch and glass of wine.As usual - there was the usual procedure when it was time to pay. They first worked out to the last penny their proportion of the bill and then began the "find the purse" ceremony in their tardis handbags.As one of the ladies fumbled amongst the debris cluttering her handbag - I noticed a remote control for a television set there."Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked her."No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me earlier on, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doug Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Wicked woman! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 .....and I presumed she thought it was her mobile!! :lol: but then, I always try to see the best in everyone. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gandalph Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 Whilst Alan was on his lunch break I covered for him behind the bar.A man came in and ordered a pint and then took it over to the corner and just sat quietly drinking it. An hour later after about fifteen pints he came over to me at the bar and said 'Barman would you call me a taxi' I replied 'I think that would be very impolite of me to do so sir', but then he insisted on calling him a taxi. I did not want to be rude to the man so I said' Very well sir if you insist, You are a taxi'. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Whilst Alan was on his lunch break I covered for him behind the bar.A man came in and ordered a pint and then took it over to the corner and just sat quietly drinking it. An hour later after about fifteen pints he came over to me at the bar and said 'Barman would you call me a taxi' I replied 'I think that would be very impolite of me to do so sir', but then he insisted on calling him a taxi. I did not want to be rude to the man so I said' Very well sir if you insist, You are a taxi'. :D :D :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted January 25, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Whilst Alan was on his lunch break I covered for him behind the bar.A man came in and ordered a pint and then took it over to the corner and just sat quietly drinking it. An hour later after about fifteen pints he came over to me at the bar and said 'Barman would you call me a taxi' I replied 'I think that would be very impolite of me to do so sir', but then he insisted on calling him a taxi. I did not want to be rude to the man so I said' Very well sir if you insist, You are a taxi'. :DIf you are going to tell jokes like that to our regulars - YOU'RE BANNED. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Whilst Alan was on his lunch break I covered for him behind the bar.A man came in and ordered a pint and then took it over to the corner and just sat quietly drinking it. An hour later after about fifteen pints he came over to me at the bar and said 'Barman would you call me a taxi' I replied 'I think that would be very impolite of me to do so sir', but then he insisted on calling him a taxi. I did not want to be rude to the man so I said' Very well sir if you insist, You are a taxi'. :DIf you are going to tell jokes like that to our regulars - YOU'RE BANNED. Leave him alone - I'm head barmaid - and every other bloody thing around here - I liked his joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Whilst Alan was on his lunch break I covered for him behind the bar.A man came in and ordered a pint and then took it over to the corner and just sat quietly drinking it. An hour later after about fifteen pints he came over to me at the bar and said 'Barman would you call me a taxi' I replied 'I think that would be very impolite of me to do so sir', but then he insisted on calling him a taxi. I did not want to be rude to the man so I said' Very well sir if you insist, You are a taxi'. :DIf you are going to tell jokes like that to our regulars - YOU'RE BANNED. Leave him alone - I'm head barmaid - and every other bloody thing around here - I liked his joke.I thought we had a cleaner, or do you do that now too. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted January 25, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 Leave him alone - I'm head barmaid - and every other bloody thing around here - I liked his joke.In view of your tender and diplomatic appeal for Gandalf to be reinstated - but more because the client came back to the pub again for another marathon drinking session - I have lifted the ban.It turns out that the guy is a farmer - a farmer with a serious domestic problem. My conversation with him went something like this........I asked him "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my goat milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. and then? Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. So, what did you do then? I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid goat knocked over the bucket with her tail. Hmmm...Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in..... Some things you just can't explain - I better have a few whisky chasers with the beer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted February 3, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 Ned Giles was in the pub again today - we haven't seen him for a few weeks.He's been in hospital after an industrial accident - he works at a factory in the town and fell into an upholstery machine.Good to see him back now he is fully recovered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 That farmer's tail (?) was a likely story! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 That farmer's tail (?) was a likely story! :DVERY LIKELY. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted February 5, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2008 I have recruited a new barmaid - a busty stunner with a great work ethic. I told her that I would pay a her a 10% commission on all the bar takings. The next thing I see is she puts up a sign which says :-Pie, chips and beans, a pint of the best and a snog with the barmaid all for a tenner' This scotsman came in - took a look at the sign and asked 'who's pie's and how big are they'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted February 5, 2008 Report Share Posted February 5, 2008 I have recruited a new barmaid - a busty stunner with a great work ethic. I told her that I would pay a her a 10% commission on all the bar takings. The next thing I see is she puts up a sign which says :-Pie, chips and beans, a pint of the best and a snog with the barmaid all for a tenner' This scotsman came in - took a look at the sign and asked 'who's pie's and how big are they'.HIS, if he can be parted from his money. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted February 19, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2008 A man came into a pub today and ordered a drink. While pouring the drink, the barmaid noticed a fearfully angry scar right across the customer's neck and up the side of his face. She asked him where it came from, and with a hoarse voice the man replied, "Falklands". 15 minutes later the barmaid approached the man with a hat full of money, saying, "We've had a whip round, and this is a token of our appreciation for what you lads did for us out there." The customer replied; "Muchas Gracias." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gandalph Posted February 19, 2008 Report Share Posted February 19, 2008 A man came into a pub today and ordered a drink. While pouring the drink, the barmaid noticed a fearfully angry scar right across the customer's neck and up the side of his face. She asked him where it came from, and with a hoarse voice the man replied, "Falklands". 15 minutes later the barmaid approached the man with a hat full of money, saying, "We've had a whip round, and this is a token of our appreciation for what you lads did for us out there." The customer replied; "Muchas Gracias."Can we assume therefore that he was not part of the British contingent. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted February 20, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2008 Can we assume therefore that he was not part of the British contingent. :lol:Si senor...................... :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted February 20, 2008 Report Share Posted February 20, 2008 :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted February 21, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 A drop dead gorgeous young blonde came into the pub this afternoon whilst we were really quiet - in fact she was the only customer. I was delighted to have someone to talk to.The conversation drifted round such subjects as weather, sport, politics and sex - and I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and a conversation.She said "No"So I replied "Good. Go and lie down on the leather sofa in the corner. I am going to give you a good talking to" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted February 21, 2008 Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 Does 'ER indoors approve? :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catgate Posted February 21, 2008 Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 A drop dead gorgeous young blonde came into the pub this afternoon whilst we were really quiet - in fact she was the only customer. I was delighted to have someone to talk to.The conversation drifted round such subjects as weather, sport, politics and sex - and I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and a conversation.She said "No"So I replied "Good. Go and lie down on the leather sofa in the corner. I am going to give you a good talking to"She would not have been that dreadful Connie Lingus would she? She needs watching very carefully.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted February 21, 2008 Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 :lol: :lol: Cheeky!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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