andsome Posted November 11, 2009 Report Share Posted November 11, 2009 Ooo - that was a bit of a booby........... :D :DI like medium to large boobies. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catgate Posted November 11, 2009 Report Share Posted November 11, 2009 Ooo - that was a bit of a booby........... :D :DI like medium to large boobies. :lol:At your age you should only be intersted in brasseries....no not bistos.edit You have three Ms in mammaries. You can have two Ss in a brasserie, but you can not have a P in a swimming bath. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gandalph Posted November 11, 2009 Report Share Posted November 11, 2009 At his age I'm surprised he has any interest at all. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted November 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 A rather attractive woman came into the bar. She gestured alluringly to the barman who went over immediately. When he arrived, she seductively signalled that he should bring his face close to hers. When he did so, she began to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the landlord?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replied. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asked, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathed the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continued huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 Ugh!!.... :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rong Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 I suppose it has been two years since she last did it to him, but you would think he wouldn't fall for it twice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gandalph Posted November 12, 2009 Report Share Posted November 12, 2009 I've just heard that a Compulsory Purchase Order has just been put on the pub. The County Council need the land as they are going to put a motorway through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted November 13, 2009 Report Share Posted November 13, 2009 I've just heard that a Compulsory Purchase Order has just been put on the pub. The County Council need the land as they are going to put a motorway through. I hope they avoid the bowling green. Was the barman in Alans story YOU? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gandalph Posted November 13, 2009 Report Share Posted November 13, 2009 I've just heard that a Compulsory Purchase Order has just been put on the pub. The County Council need the land as they are going to put a motorway through. I hope they avoid the bowling green. Was the barman in Alans story YOU?T'was not I sir. I am very particular who runs their fingers through my beard. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted November 13, 2009 Report Share Posted November 13, 2009 I've just heard that a Compulsory Purchase Order has just been put on the pub. The County Council need the land as they are going to put a motorway through. I hope they avoid the bowling green. Was the barman in Alans story YOU?T'was not I sir. I am very particular who runs their fingers through my beard. :lol: Fine as long as you don't expect me to. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 Paddy was in the bar this afternoon. I noticed that his glass was empty and asked if he would like another one.No thanks" he replied "what would I do with two empty glasses" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted December 1, 2009 Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 Paddy was in the bar this afternoon. I noticed that his glass was empty and asked if he would like another one.No thanks" he replied "what would I do with two empty glasses" :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 Some American tourists came into the lounge bar - and were a little taken aback when they tried some "proper" beer.One of the party, clearly affected by imbibing a couple of pints of our Tates Special (the beer that is so strong it causes memory loss - hence the saying "He who has a tates is lost") started criticising just about everything they had seen so far during their tour of England and said to me "I reckon this place must be the arsehole of the World"The only retort I could muster was "then you must be just passing through"....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 2, 2009 Report Share Posted December 2, 2009 :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2009 Paddy and his wife were taking part in last night's bar quiz. The first question was “what has a woman got two of that men like to kiss”. Paddy’s wife responded “lips” which was the correct answer.The second question was “What has a man got two of that a woman likes to hold”. Paddy’s wife piped up with the answer “his hands” – which was the correct answer.The quizmaster said – “Come on Paddy – don’t be shy – why not help her with the next question”“I better not” said Paddy “I got the first two questions wrong” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 5, 2009 Report Share Posted December 5, 2009 :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2009 The "Big Brother" mentality has reached our village. Our local copper has been instructed to advise me that the sign on our back gate "Beware of the Dog" is no longer permissable.I have therefore altered the sign to read "Beware of the Canary".One of the locals commented "I can't see the point of that – what on earth can a canary do"“Whistle for our Pit Bull dog” was my retort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 6, 2009 Report Share Posted December 6, 2009 The "Big Brother" mentality has reached our village. Our local copper has been instructed to advise me that the sign on our back gate "Beware of the Dog" is no longer permissable.I have therefore altered the sign to read "Beware of the Canary".One of the locals commented "I can't see the point of that – what on earth can a canary do""Whistle for our Pit Bull dog" was my retort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted December 6, 2009 Report Share Posted December 6, 2009 :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gandalph Posted December 6, 2009 Report Share Posted December 6, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 OLd Ned was in the bar - showing off a fine catch of fish in his creel.One of the drinkers asked him "What bait you using to attract those whoppers?""Chewin' tobacco.""How'd you use chewin' tobacco as bait?""I put the tobacco on the hook and drop the hook in the water. The fish nibble on the bait and when they come up to spit, I hit 'em on the head with my rod." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gandalph Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Brilliant. :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 14, 2009 Fido, our pub dog has become very listless and keeps sighing all the time.The vet reckons that Fido is worrying about the economy because Teco finest dog food is now 99 pence a can.... That's almost £7.00 in dog money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted May 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2010 A guy walked into the pub last week with his pet monkey. He ordered a drink and while he was drinking it the monkey was running wild. The monkey jumped up on the pool table, grabbed the cue ball, stuck it in his mouth and swallowed it whole. Our barman was livid and said to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid animal do this time?", says the guy. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the barman. “Yeah, well I hope it kills the little nuisance because he's been driving me nuts", says the guy. The guy then finished his drink and left.Last night the guy came back into the pub with the monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started to run wild around the bar again. While the man was drinking his drink, the monkey spotted the restaurant's cheese board and grapes on the counter. He grabbed a grape, stuck it up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it.The barman was totally disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asked."What now?", responds the guy."Well, he stuck a grape up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barman."Well, what did you expect?", replied the guy. Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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