How To Pass The Time When Retired.

[AlanHo]

This is a brief summary of a phone conversation I had this afternoon :-

 

I received a phone call from a nice young lady at British Telecom today to advise me that my computer had been infected with a trojan and was being used as a server to send out viruses to other users. She offered to fix the problem - otherwise they would have to cut off my broadband to protect their other BT customers.

 

I was very concerned about this and gasped at the thought that my computer had been infected and asked how she could fix it - or did I need to take my computer to my computer guru for correction.

 

She said " We can do it remotely - you just need to download the BT remote connection App and you can sit there and watch while I clean the computer".

 

She asked if I was sitting at the computer and I said yes.

 

She said “open your browser”

 

I told her I had no App called browser.

 

She said “open whatever programme to use to access the internet”.

 

I replied “I don’t have any programmes only Apps”

 

She said “then please open the App you use to go onto the internet”.

 

I said you mean Chrome - she replied "fine - please open it"

 

While this is going on, I am sitting in the conservatory reading a book and enjoying a gin and tonic, so pretended to open Chrome.

 

She said "Now type into the address bar - https://www.teamviewer.com/en/download/windows/"

 

I said “what do you mean by an address bar – when I go on the internet I just click on the little pictures on my computer screen put there by my computer guru to open the various sites.

 

She paused – clearly confused at this point and said “at the top of your Chrome screen there is a window in which you type the address. It may already have an address in it beginning http or https – type the address I just gave you into that window and them press Enter on your keyboard”

 

I have forgotten the address you gave me.

 

She then repeated – very slowly – the Team Viewer address

 

I said - I recognise the name Team Viewer - my computer Guru uses that App to help me with any problems on my computer.

 

She is sounding slightly exasperated now and asks me to open Team Viewer.

 

I said I don't remember how to do it - my Guru usually talks me through the procedure over the phone. There is probably a little picture on my screen which I click on and the App opens

 

Now sounding very exasperated and borderline peeved she says “so go back to your desktop and click on the Team Viewer icon.

 

I said – my desktop computer is in my study – I am using my laptop at present. Do I need to go to the study and boot my desktop computer.

 

“No” she says, sounding like it is through clenched teeth “ We can use your laptop”

 

So please remind me what you want me to do.

 

She almost shouted "Click on the Team Viewer icon on your Desktop to open it"

 

But you said you could do it on my laptop - now you are saying use my Desktop.

 

There was a long pause - I heard heavy breathing and she said "click on the Team Viewer icon on your laptop screen - the screen you see when you first boot the computer"

 

But my laptop doesn’t have a little picture called Team Viewer on the screen – My computer guru always uses Team Viewer when my Desktop computer goes wrong. If my laptop has a problem, I take it to his shop to sort out"

 

At this point the phone suddenly went dead, we must have been cut off and she hasn’t called me back.  I should be worried - but I'm not.

 

It’s a good job my provider is Virgin Media and not British Telecom – otherwise I might have had my broadband disconnected.

 

I found it an evil but amusing way to pass 15 to 20 minutes of my time (and hers)

 

By the way – Libby does not approve when I do this to scam callers. She feels sorry for the young people in India who are desperate to find work and probably don’t realise what they are doing.

 

 

 

[Irene]

I agree with you Alan.  ?  ?

[Gandalph]

That's a good one Alan. Remember though, all the time she was on the phone it was costing her or her Company money. 

[AlanHo]

Crikey - I never thought of that. I'm feeling humbled and guilty now...….. 

 

33 minutes ago, Gandalph said:

That's a good one Alan. Remember though, all the time she was on the phone it was costing her or her Company money. 

 

[Belatucadrus]

I had calls telling me I'd been compromised and was about to be shut off on two consecutive days, first one was a computerised American voice from "Your Internet Provider" which I thought weird, if they don't know who they are how can they know if I'm a client. So I put the phone down. Next day I got another call, this time a person claiming to be from BT, I wished them a nice day and put the phone down again. Just to be on the safe side I looked at my account status online, no sign of any problem but to be on the safe side I enquired if all was well as I kept getting these calls. A jolly helpful chap looked up my account and confirmed that I was totally hunky dory and that the callers were shock horror sneaky rotters trying to get their hands on my money. Ain't life wicked.

[D4\/!d]

One of my retired friends used to love winding up scammers. His personal best was 35 minutes. Funny thing was he had a very old 486 computer and no broadband! We eventually got him onto a 7" tablet and Gmail using his pub's WiFi.

[AlanHo]

I posted the story on here a few years back - my personal best being 44 minutes chatting to a pseudo Microsoft technician intent on cleaning my machine of malware.

 

 

[catgate]

I'm on Linux and I have not had any problem. I get only what I request, if I can remember what that is.

[Belatucadrus]

I rarely have the patience, on one occasion I let the girl run through her spiel then told her I found her story odd as I only used Linux and Android. At this she rather patronisingly informed me that Android was a phone not an operating system. I advised her that as this revealed her to be a complete ignoramus it would be a cold day in hell before I let her anywhere near my machines. This was clearly stretching her command of the English language beyond breaking point, so she paused and started reading her prompt sheet from the beginning again. This was the point where my joie de vivre expired and I told her to bugger off.

[AlanHo]

It is not my nature to be rude to people or lace a conversation with expletives.  

 

Treat fools as you would wish to be treated yourself - is the motto on our family crest and flag.  It's hard to live up to sometimes, but I manage with a struggle.

 

 

[Belatucadrus]

50 minutes ago, AlanHo said:

It is not my nature to be rude to people or lace a conversation with expletives. 

Nor mine, there is however one thing that strains my good intentions. That's people who refuse to take a hint. the sales reps that despite being told "No thank you I'm not interested" pay not the slightest attention and launch into their spiel. That tends to make me tetchy, I remember back in the day when Serif did a range of free programs I was registering mine and the chap on the end was on his sales pitch for the paid for version. I'd tried polite I told him I wasn't interested the free one was fine but it hadn't worked, I tried irritated, same result. I switched to abrupt and asked him precisely what part of No I'm not interested did he not understand, this finally got his attention.  If I'd ever been inclined to pay the extra by the time he'd finished the answer was No, Not ever, No way !

The other one that got a sharp answer was one of the interminable fraud calls from "Windows" advising me my system was compromised, I'd politely told him I wasn't interested and put the phone down, he called back and asked why so I told him.

[andsome]

You all did very well. Well did folks.

[D4\/!d]

13 hours ago, Belatucadrus said:

... command of the English language ... my joie de vivre

... command of the English language .... I told her to bugger off

 

erh?

[Gandalph]

Bugger is in the Oxford Dictionary David, so it must be English Language.