AlanHo Posted December 11, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2008 A golf club came into the bar this lunch time and said "I'll have a beer, please."I replied "I'm sorry, I can't serve you.""Why not?""You'll be driving later."You will soon see andsome's groan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catgate Posted December 11, 2008 Report Share Posted December 11, 2008 Could you not have recommended tee instead? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 11, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2008 Could you not have recommended tee instead? :lol: :lol: You have a good way of putting it - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catgate Posted December 11, 2008 Report Share Posted December 11, 2008 Could you not have recommended tee instead? :lol: :lol: You have a good way of putting it - If I said "Now the ball's in your court", you would say I was not playing the game. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doug Posted December 11, 2008 Report Share Posted December 11, 2008 The a fore said comments are very interesting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 11, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2008 Could you not have recommended tee instead? :lol: :lol: You have a good way of putting it - If I said "Now the ball's in your court", you would say I was not playing the game. You drive home your point with iron resolve and in a very fair way - wood be par for the course for you I suppose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catgate Posted December 11, 2008 Report Share Posted December 11, 2008 Could you not have recommended tee instead? :lol: :lol: You have a good way of putting it - If I said "Now the ball's in your court", you would say I was not playing the game. You drive home your point with iron resolve and in a very fair way - wood be par for the course for you I suppose. I'm green with envy at you wit and resourcefulness, so i'm going to bed. Though I have a fair way to go before I get there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 11, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2008 ....... i'm going to bed. Though I have a fair way to go before I get there. Retiring to your bunker eh - the sand man might send you a dream.....so watch out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 12, 2008 Two Irish drunks staggered back into the bar after going for a Pee, one of them so plastered he had forgotten to zip his fly.After they sat down, Paddy says "don't move, you are sitting on a one eyed snake", picks up a bottle and smashes it on the head. "Hit it again" says Mick, "I just felt the bloody thing bite me". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted December 12, 2008 Report Share Posted December 12, 2008 Two Irish drunks staggered back into the bar after going for a Pee, one of them so plastered he had forgotten to zip his fly.After they sat down, Paddy says "don't move, you are sitting on a one eyed snake", picks up a bottle and smashes it on the head. "Hit it again" says Mick, "I just felt the bloody thing bite me". :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted March 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 It being St Patricks day I thought it appropriate to tell a few Irish jokes in the bar.Like....Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? A: Regular rocks are too heavy. Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Because they're always a little short. Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter! Q: What's Irish and stays out all night? A: Patty O'furniture! Q: How did the Irish Jig get started? A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms! Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?A: A bachelor."Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub pondering on the future. One says to the other: You know Mr. O'Shea, we've had great sport together for many years. It just came to mind that should it be I who should happen to go first, it would mean a great deal to me if you would say a few kind words at "me" grave. The other friend responds: That I'll do, Mr.O'Donnel, that I'll do. But should it be I who should happen to go first, for old times sake I'd be forever grateful if you would pour a bottle of Irish whiskey over "me" grave. The friend responds: That I'll do. But about the Irish whiskey............would you mind it so much if it should happen to pass through "me" kidneys first?etc.There was an Irish guy in the bar at the time - who never said a word. But he followed me into the toilet and started yelling abuse at me for telling such jokes. He said he was fed up of people taking it out of the Irish and was going to teach me a lesson - pulling a razor from his pocket as he did so.I wasn't too worried though - he couldn't find anywhere to plug it in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 Good ones there :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gandalph Posted March 17, 2009 Report Share Posted March 17, 2009 Top of the class stuff again Alan. :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deuces wild Posted March 19, 2009 Report Share Posted March 19, 2009 You are indeed the UK king of jokes, satire and parody.Hats off to you!Keep it coming. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted March 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2009 Despite the fact that there is a notice on the entrance door stating that dogs are not allowed in the pub - a guy wearing sunglasses came in last night with a little fluffy poodle on a lead.I asked him whether he had seen the sign on the door that dogs were not allowed.He explained that it was his guide dog and he was not able to see the sign.The cocky grin on his face made me suspicious and I said that I thought guide dogs were usually large breeds like Alsatians or Labradors.To which he replied "What have they given me then....?"................................ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted March 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2009 There was a guy in the bar drinking by himself and looking very morose. I asked him "You look terrible. What's the problem?""My mother died last December," he said, "and left me $10,000.""Gee, that's tough," I replied."Then in January," the man continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000.""Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.""And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.""Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.""Then this month," continued the man, "nothing!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irene Posted March 31, 2009 Report Share Posted March 31, 2009 :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted April 1, 2009 Report Share Posted April 1, 2009 Like 'em. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted April 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 21, 2009 We have a lot of ethnic minority immigrant workers - some probably illegal - who have settled in these parts to take advantage of the UK's generous welfare payments. Fortunately they spend most of it in the pub.They were moaning last week that I am not showing enough television shows with minorities in mind on the wide screen TV in the bar. To overcome the complaints - I am now showing a video repeat of Crimewatch 7 times a week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted April 22, 2009 Report Share Posted April 22, 2009 Anything as long as you don't show soap operas. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted July 16, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2009 We put up a sign in our restaurant that read “Unique All-Day Breakfast” to try and attract more business during the credit crunch.A guy came in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.“What’s your ‘Unique Breakfast?’” he asked.“Baked tongue of chicken with salad,” she replied.“Baked tongue of chicken?… Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”“Just bring me scrambled eggs,” the man replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doug Posted July 16, 2009 Report Share Posted July 16, 2009 Wow you must have swept all the cobwebs from the door to get in! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 Wow you must have swept all the cobwebs from the door to get in!I though it had closed down, same as hundreds of others . :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doug Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 No, everyone had gone on a teetotal routine! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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