Our own pub at last

[Gandalph]

A guy walked into the pub last week with his pet monkey. He ordered a drink and while he was drinking it the monkey was running wild. The monkey jumped up on the pool table, grabbed the cue ball, stuck it in his mouth and swallowed it whole.

Our barman was livid and said to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid animal do this time?", says the guy.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the barman.

“Yeah, well I hope it kills the little nuisance because he's been driving me nuts", says the guy.

The guy then finished his drink and left.

Last night the guy came back into the pub with the monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started to run wild around the bar again. While the man was drinking his drink, the monkey spotted the restaurant's cheese board and grapes on the counter. He grabbed a grape, stuck it up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it.

The barman was totally disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asked.

"What now?", responds the guy.

"Well, he stuck a grape up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barman.

"Well, what did you expect?", replied the guy. Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[rong]

You would think that monkey would have learnt since the last time he was in the pub

[AlanHo]

You would think that monkey would have learnt since the last time he was in the pub

Blimey rong - you've got a good memory. It was 4 years ago. As you probably know - monkeys have a lousy memory as you will be able to judge from the responses to the post

[AlanHo]

A penguin came into our pub, waddled up to the bar and asked the barman “Has my brother been in here tonight”.

“Dunno” replied the barman “What’s he look like”.

[AlanHo]

All our customers have got quite used to the our little dog being around the bar, so they were quite upset when a couple of days ago the little dog died.

Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.

The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the Pearly Gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.

The little dog said "I have been a good dog, so I am going into heaven where I belong!"

Saint Peter replied "You can not come into heaven without a tail. Where is your tail"?

The little dog explained what had happened back on Earth. Saint Peter told the little dog to go back down to Earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night back at the pub, but Saint Peter would not change his mind.

So the little dog came back down to Earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the barman who livess upstairs came down and opened the door.

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you"? said the barman.

The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back.

The barman replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

Boom Boom.........................

[Gandalph]

Ten out of Ten. :lol: :lol:

[AlanHo]

This rather dishy blonde was in the bar last evening wearing the tightest sheerest pants I've ever seen.

I had a job keeping my eyes off her.

Finally my curiosity got the better of me, so I went over to her and whispered "How do you get into those pants?"

She looked me over, smiled warmly, fluttered her eyelashes and replied, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

[Gandalph]

This rather dishy blonde was in the bar last evening wearing the tightest sheerest pants I've ever seen.

I had a job keeping my eyes off her.

Finally my curiosity got the better of me, so I went over to her and whispered "How do you get into those pants?"

She looked me over, smiled warmly, fluttered her eyelashes and replied, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

The Hussy. :D

[andsome]

What is her tipple?

[AlanHo]

I was going to give her shandy

But she said her name was Mandy

So I changed the drink to brandy

In the hope it would make her...........tipsy ???

[Irene]

I was going to give her shandy

But she said her name was Mandy

So I changed the drink to brandy

In the hope it would make her...........tipsy ???

:lol: :lol:

You men are all the same!

[catgate]

I was going to give her shandy

But she said her name was Mandy

So I changed the drink to brandy

In the hope it would make her...........tipsy ???

:lol: :lol:

You men are all the same!

I'm not. I would have used sherry...it's cheaper and I'm a Yorkshireman.

[AlanHo]

I was going to give her shandy

But she said her name was Mandy

So I changed the drink to brandy

In the hope it would make her...........tipsy ???

:lol: :lol:

You men are all the same!

I'm not. I would have used sherry...it's cheaper and I'm a Yorkshireman.

Merry is not quite the effect I'm after..............

[catgate]

I was going to give her shandy

But she said her name was Mandy

So I changed the drink to brandy

In the hope it would make her...........tipsy ???

:lol: :lol:

You men are all the same!

I'm not. I would have used sherry...it's cheaper and I'm a Yorkshireman.

Merry is not quite the effect I'm after..............

No...but it rhymes with "hurry" and we are an impatient lot out here on the moors.

[AlanHo]

A rather confident man walked into the bar and took a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his watch for a moment.

The woman noticed this and asked, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replied, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman said "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explained.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggled and replied, "Well it must be broken because I am indeed wearing panties!"

The man tutted and remarked, "Damn, the bloody thing must be an hour fast again."

[Gandalph]

A rather confident man walked into the bar and took a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his watch for a moment.

The woman noticed this and asked, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replied, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman said "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explained.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggled and replied, "Well it must be broken because I am indeed wearing panties!"

The man tutted and remarked, "Damn, the bloody thing must be an hour fast again."

The old ones are still some of the best ones Alan. :lol: :lol:

[AlanHo]

The old ones are still some of the best ones Alan. :lol: :lol:

How did you know she was an old bird.................?

[Gandalph]

The old ones are still some of the best ones Alan. :lol: :lol:

How did you know she was an old bird.................?

I didn't. It's an old joke though. :D

[Irene]

The old ones are still some of the best ones Alan. :lol: :lol:

How did you know she was an old bird.................?

I didn't. It's an old joke though. :D

I thought it rang a bell somewhere in the depths of the old grey matter....

[rong]

I've just been through all the pub pages and can't see why it isn't used more, the barmaids uniforms have all disappeared so I take it they are not wearing anything but can see this could be a problem with their age and wonder if you should offer Artist more money to come back or invest in some new uniforms

[AlanHo]

A couple of Black Country chaps are regulars in the bar and amuse us with their Aynuck and Ayli jokes.

Here is the latest....

Aynuck & Ayli were chatting. Ayli reckoned that true friends should share and share alike.

"Yow mean, if yow ad two ouses" said Aynuck "yo'd give me one"?

"Course I would" said Ayli.

"An if yo ad two cars, yo'd give me" one asked Aynuck

"Course I would" replied his friend

"An if you ad two pigs"?

"Now that aint fair, yow know I got two pigs"

[MANEMAN]

(1.55am) I've just come in late from a nocturnal visit to the vicar. (All musical stuff. - just some fluff in his organ again)

When I read "Pub" on the first page I could have crushed a grape.

I've just so outgrown trying the gay bars dears. Strange people, no welcoming front door, it's all back entrance and membership only.

Pub? - Oh yes ! Right up my street.

I could supply pasties and fresh mackerel.

And we must have a music night,or I will scweam,and scweam, whether Nellie does a turn or not.

Urine flavoured peanuts back on the bar, - bugger the hygiene people, they tasted good.

Air conditioning, and dehumidifiers a must. - Nothing worse than a hot,damp back passage, and a sweaty bar stool.

I know of a nice little duo who is an inbred single Cornish chap from very good stock. I know his family very well. They are a very close musical family. In fact his Mum and Dad were Brother and Sister. I can see it all dropping into place now, I've even had time to knock up a poster.

Music night could be a Thursday, and why not bring back the old values with a game of dominoes, followed by shuv-'appeny, and a bloody good fight on a Friday with Sapins chairs flying through the windows. Lots of people say that I am a "Wind-up Merchant" and could start a fight in an empty room.

With references such as this, could I perhaps prevail upon you to make me chair of the entertainments commitee ? - I'm also game for a bit of topless (British Legion experience) and used to be a bouncer at "Mothercare".

I personally see the pub as "The Restless Gonads" and ideas for illustrations for the swinging pub sign are already in my mind.

That bloody setter has started to hump my leg now.

[AlanHo]

As you will have now seen - the pub thread has been running for almost 4 years, during which time it has had more than 20,000 visitors. Possibly a record for a non-technical thread.

It was quite lively for a while but customers have dropped away despite my best efforts at getting some life back into the place.

With you as entertainment manager - perhaps a revival is around the corner.

One of the possible causes is that we serve the legendary Tates beer - it is so strong that it causes memory loss and people cannot find their way back home - or back to the pub.

Hence the expression "He who has a Tates is lost"

[MANEMAN]

Oh yeah !

Pub re-openings, Pub refurbishment, hanging drapes. arranging furniture,all appeal to the feminine side of my nature dears.

I've always said "If you see an open passage in life, - thrust into it" - I've always said that. Justin'll tell you exactly the same story about me.

Four years of pub dust and waste is nothing to me. I give the vicar's pipes a good blow through on a weekly basis, and it's a pleasure to do it for 'im. His organ can really start to falter on "Love Divine" if I dont pull out all the stops and service it beforehand.

Re-tarmac the car park, get the diggers in and create a trout pond with a few illuminated fairies in the bushes. The world's your oyster.

Love you all.

[artist]

Oh yeah !

Pub re-openings, Pub refurbishment, hanging drapes. arranging furniture,all appeal to the feminine side of my nature dears.

I've always said "If you see an open passage in life, - thrust into it" - I've always said that. Justin'll tell you exactly the same story about me.

Four years of pub dust and waste is nothing to me. I give the vicar's pipes a good blow through on a weekly basis, and it's a pleasure to do it for 'im. His organ can really start to falter on "Love Divine" if I dont pull out all the stops and service it beforehand.

Re-tarmac the car park, get the diggers in and create a trout pond with a few illuminated fairies in the bushes. The world's your oyster.

Love you all.

I can't remember the details but I'm sure I went off because someone said something nasty or suggestive to me....I'll need a new uniform (designer) and a big pay rise to come back behind the bar. I was the best!!