Our own pub at last

[D4\/!d]

I have managed to obtain a few barrels of a renowned beer called Tate’s,

I seem to remember this went down well with a cheese toasty at The Hunters Moon pub just down the road from here

[AlanHo]

I have managed to obtain a few barrels of a renowned beer called Tate’s,

I seem to remember this went down well with a cheese toasty at The Hunters Moon pub just down the road from here

What a memory you have - you are evidently not a Tates drinker..

They say the old ones are the best (brews I mean)

[AlanHo]

I am thinking of giving up on the B&B part of the pub business – it can be more trouble than its worth.

Last night I was called upon to investigate loud noises coming from one of the rooms. Guests on the floor below the room in question had complained that it sounded like a herd of elephants being dragged across the room. When I got outside the door - sure enough - there was loud banging and scraping sounds coming from within - I had to knock quite loudly to make myself heard.

The door was opened by a middle aged lady who explained that she was on her honeymoon. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she had been able to find a groom who had never been with a woman before. As a result of a personal ad on the Internet, she had ended up corresponding with a man who had lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They were now married and this was their first night together. “But why all the noise” I asked her.

Her new Aussie husband then appeared at the door and explained that he was moving all the furniture to one end of the room with the explanation "I've never had sex with a ‘Sheila’ before cobber - but if it's anything like having it with a bloody kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

[andsome]

I am thinking of giving up on the B&B part of the pub business – it can be more trouble than its worth.

Last night I was called upon to investigate loud noises coming from one of the rooms. Guests on the floor below the room in question had complained that it sounded like a herd of elephants being dragged across the room. When I got outside the door - sure enough - there was loud banging and scraping sounds coming from within - I had to knock quite loudly to make myself heard.

The door was opened by a middle aged lady who explained that she was on her honeymoon. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she had been able to find a groom who had never been with a woman before. As a result of a personal ad on the Internet, she had ended up corresponding with a man who had lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They were now married and this was their first night together. “But why all the noise” I asked her.

Her new Aussie husband then appeared at the door and explained that he was moving all the furniture to one end of the room with the explanation "I've never had sex with a ‘Sheila’ before cobber - but if it's anything like having it with a bloody kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

Like it. :lol: :lol:

I have had a word with the secretary of one of my bowls clubs. He is willing to bring along a team next season if the forum can raise a team. As the forum members are probably mainly beginners, they will get a start of six shots each. There will be a good order for sandwiches after the game, plus all the beer that will be drunk.

[sapins]

I have a set of French boules I can bring if that's ok.

[AlanHo]

I have a set of French boules I can bring if that's ok.

Provided you don't put dents in the lush grass bowling green. We roll our balls not chuck 'em

[andsome]

I have a set of French boules I can bring if that's ok.

I daren't give you an answer to that one.

[AlanHo]

While you lot have been sat there in comfort messing around on your computers, I’ve spent a couple of hours trying to shoo off a large flock of seabirds that have descended on the village green outside the pub and pooing everywhere.

I finished up chucking stones at the pests to drive them away because I firmly believe you should leave no tern unstoned.

[catgate]

While you lot have been sat there in comfort messing around on your computers, I’ve spent a couple of hours trying to shoo off a large flock of seabirds that have descended on the village green outside the pub and pooing everywhere.

I finished up chucking stones at the pests to drive them away because I firmly believe you should leave no tern unstoned.

Oh we are not so 'gullable'.

[AlanHo]

One of our part time evening barmen called Shaun is continually the butt of the staff’s cruel humour. They tease him awfully about all sorts of things – I am sure they are convinced that the poor boy is not ‘all there’.

Their favourite trick is to offer him two coins, a ten pence piece and a twenty pence piece - he always takes and pockets the ten pence piece - perhaps because it is bigger. I caught them at it last evening and called Shaun over to ask him why he always took the bigger coin and didn’t he realise the smaller one was worth more.

The young chap said “Of course I do, but if I take that coin they will stop doing it every day”.

A couple of nights ago Shaun proudly announced that he had managed to get a job with the local council emptying parking meters and was starting work the following day when he was off-shift. Last evening he came into the bar and announced that the drinks were on him, give everyone in the bar a drink. Artist said “Blimey, you are splashing it around aren’t you - and you haven’t picked up your Council wages yet - we must be paying you too much”.

Shaun blinked and said “You mean the Council give me wages as well”.

[AlanHo]

Worzel Giles sometimes drops in on his way back from his music lessons – he used to play a harp but is learning to play the lute. He came to our fancy dress night dressed as a minstrel.

His wife did not accompany him – turns out she was suffering from a severe migraine caused by pre-minstrel tension.

[rong]

Well you've managed to clear the pub over the last two days.

[catgate]

HELLO HELLO ANYONE THERE?

Bloody place is empty.

Who is that old drunk laid on the floor over there?

Must have been there since last closing time.

[AlanHo]

It's Old Giles

Our Catholic priest was in the bar yesterday and sat down next to Old Giles who was not in the best of condition - Tate’s had taken its toll the night before, he was unwashed, unshaven and with beer stains all down his unbuttoned shirt. Old Giles wanted a bit of peace and quiet and was having a hair of the dog that bit him and reading the newspaper.

After a few minutes Old Giles muttered out loud “I wonder what causes arthritis”.

The priest thought Old Giles was talking to him and said “Mister, its caused by loose living, too much alcohol, chasing easy women and total contempt for your fellow man”.

“Well I’ll be damned” muttered Old Giles and dived back into his paper.

The priest thinking about what he had just said nudged Old Giles and apologised “I’m sorry about that outburst, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

Old Giles replied “I don’t have arthritis Father - I was reading that the Pope does”

[Thos]

:lol:

That fooled him!

Thos.

[AlanHo]

The local squire who is a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, came into the bar last evening with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful appeal and charm. She was hanging onto his arm and listening intently to his every word. She was so gorgeous, she almost gave Artist a run for her money.

After a while, Artist’s curiosity quite overcame her and when he came to the bar to order more drinks she whispered, "How did you get the trophy girlfriend"?

"Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

"So, how did you persuade her to marry you"?

"I lied about my age."

"What, did you tell her you were only 50"?

"No, I told her I'm 90."

[andsome]

Like it. :D

[Thos]

Great, but I wonder whether she was worth it.

Thos. :lol:

[artist]

She was so gorgeous, she almost gave Artist a run for her money.

(Whispered aside - can you get the wife out of the way for the night?)

:P

[AlanHo]

One of our regulars is a Chinese called Wong Lee who runs a Chinese restaurant called Rife in the next village.

He has a penchant for Tate’s ale and Artist our barmaid – especially since she started wearing her new revealing outfit. He is a regular customer.

Many a time his wife will phone concerned that her husband has not got home and we send out Artist to look for him. Upon finding him, she is always tempted to say “Ah, sweet Mr Lee of Rife, at last I’ve found you”.

[artist]

One of our regulars is a Chinese called Wong Lee who runs a Chinese restaurant called Rife in the next village.

He has a penchant for Tate’s ale and Artist our barmaid – especially since she started wearing her new revealing outfit. He is a regular customer.

Many a time his wife will phone concerned that her husband has not got home and we send out Artist to look for him. Upon finding him, she is always tempted to say “Ah, sweet Mr Lee of Rife, at last I’ve found you”.

:lol: :lol:

[AlanHo]

I am confused and still trying to work out a puzzle caused by Artist when she booked three guests into the B&B rooms the other evening for three nights.

She told them we had only one room available - a large one which they could share - the room rate being £ 150 for the three nights.

The guests agreed to jointly use the room and each gave Artist £50 as their share of the £150.

Some time later I appeared and told Artist that she had over-charged the guests - there was a discount applicable to more than one night’s booking - the correct rate being £ 50 for one night and £130 for three nights. She therefore sent Shaun up to the room with £20 change for the guests.

Shaun was still smarting after having to hump all three guys luggage up to the room and not being given a tip - so he decided to pocket £5 for himself and give only £15 to the guests. It would make it easier for them too, thought the lad, because it isn’t easy to share four £5 notes between three people.

The puzzle is this……………

Each guest paid £50 but got £5 back - so their outlay was £45 each….. or £135 collectively.

Shaun kept £ 5

We can thus account for only £140 of the £150 - what has happened to the missing £10 ?.

[catgate]

I was fascinated the other night by the business with the piano player.

In came this stranger with a large suitcase and out of it stepped a midget, who was only a foot high.

The midget went over to the piano and, after being lifted up onto the stool, along with the cushion out odf the suitcase, he started to play some very pleasant music (and a bit of Mahler as well).

"Where did you get him from?" the stranger was asked.

"Well I was driving home one foul night," he explained," and I saw this little old lady struggling along the road. So I stopped and asked her if I could give her a lift. She said she would like that, so she got in and I delivered her to her home. As she was getting out she said she was a witch and she would grant me one wish for my kindness. It is just a pity it was such a poor night and her hearing was not so good, because I ended up with a 12 inch pianist!"

[AlanHo]

Its a pity you didn't come in last night - we could have put on a cabaret.

A guy came into the bar with a sea bird dressed in ladies underclothes. It was a puffin.

He put it on the bar and announced it could do magic tricks – and sure enough it vanished a fiver provided by Artist who asked him what it was called.

The guy said ‘Drag, the magic Puffin’.

[catgate]

The puzzle is this……………

Each guest paid £50 but got £5 back - so their outlay was £45 each….. or £135 collectively.

Shaun kept £ 5

We can thus account for only £140 of the £150 - what has happened to the missing £10 ?.

£130/3=£43.33

The rest is Gordon Brown arithmatic.