artist Posted December 7, 2006 Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 SIGH!!!.................I think I'll take to me bed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 7, 2006 Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 SIGH!!!.................I think I'll take to me bed.Do you need any help? :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 7, 2006 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 A truck driver popped in yesterday for a pint and ploughmans.As he was about to eat, three Hells Angels on motorbikes pulled up outside. The bikers came in, one grabbed the truck driver’s cheese off the plate and took a bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's beer, and the third pocketed his crisps. The Truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid Artist, and left. When he was gone, one of the Hells Angels said, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," Artist replied, "He just backed his truck over three motorbikes" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 7, 2006 Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 Probably scratched his truck as well. :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thos Posted December 7, 2006 Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 A truck driver popped in yesterday for a pint and ploughmans.As he was about to eat, three Hells Angels on motorbikes pulled up outside. The bikers came in, one grabbed the truck driver’s cheese off the plate and took a bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's beer, and the third pocketed his crisps. The Truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid Artist, and left. When he was gone, one of the Hells Angels said, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," Artist replied, "He just backed his truck over three motorbikes" :lol: Thos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted December 7, 2006 Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 Here are the answers - please don't ask me again!!solution to all of your drinking troublesSymptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.Fault: Glass is empty.Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.Symptom: Feet cold and wet.Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.Symptom: Feet warm and wet.Fault: Loss of self-control.Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.(I will not believe this and will provide a mop)Symptom: Bar blurred.Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.Symptom: Bar moving.Fault: You are being carried out.Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.Fault: You have fallen over backwards.Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.Fault: You have fallen over forwards.Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.Symptom: Everything has gone dim.Fault: The pub is closing.Solution: Panic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted December 7, 2006 Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 Can't remember who said this...............Sotally Tober Starkle starkle little twinkwho the hell you are I thinkI'm not under what you callthe alcofluence of incoholI'm just a little slort of sheepI'm not drunk like tinkle peepI don't know who is me yetbut the drunker I stand herethe longer I getJust give me one more drinkto fill me cup'cuz I got all day soberto Sunday up. :P :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 7, 2006 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 You must agree that such sound drinking advice from a gorgeous barmaid is akin to getting it from the horses mouth.Thank you Artist - you have answered a lot of unasked questions for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 7, 2006 Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 You must agree that such sound drinking advice from a gorgeous barmaid is akin to getting it from the horses mouth.Thank you Artist - you have answered a lot of unasked questions for me.Are you hinting that artist has a mouth like a horse? :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r4may Posted December 7, 2006 Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 Noooo :D :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gandalph Posted December 7, 2006 Report Share Posted December 7, 2006 Don't forget the one about the driver that was pulled over after a policeman saw him leaving the pub car park. He wound his window down to speak to the police officer and said 'Good consternoon afterbul.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 8, 2006 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2006 An Irishman has been coming into the bar for ages now – he has always ordered three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he has finished them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. This inspired Artist’s curiosity and she once said to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman smiled and explained, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here.. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together."Artist, being a kind and gentle soul was touched by this explanation and left it there.The Irishman remained a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. That was until last night when he came in and asked Artist for only two pints.All the other regulars noticed this and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, Artist was truly concerned at the obvious implications and tearfully said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eye and he laughed. "Oh, no," he said, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted December 8, 2006 Report Share Posted December 8, 2006 Noooo :D :DYou don't seem sure???If you're going to cast aspershions ( :D ) you can drink elswhere!!(The landlord is a softie - I can get him to do most anything) :P :PArtist, being a kind and gentle soul quote]I am, I am! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 8, 2006 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2006 (The landlord is a softie - I can get him to do most anything)Try removing the word "most" and living the dream. You can always stay on after closing time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted December 8, 2006 Report Share Posted December 8, 2006 (The landlord is a softie - I can get him to do most anything)Try removing the word "most" and living the dream. You can always stay on after closing time.Ooooo............ :D :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doug Posted December 8, 2006 Report Share Posted December 8, 2006 Pint of John Smiths, please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted December 8, 2006 Report Share Posted December 8, 2006 Pint of John Smiths, please.Best I can do is a coffee, this early. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r4may Posted December 8, 2006 Report Share Posted December 8, 2006 artist Posted Today, 06:32 You don't seem sure???If you're going to cast aspershions ( ) you can drink elswhere!!I didn't cast anything !! :D Pint of Black & Tan would be nice though :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 9, 2006 Report Share Posted December 9, 2006 I'll stick with the Smiths too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rong Posted December 9, 2006 Report Share Posted December 9, 2006 The barmaids kept well for someone in her 60's, she forgot to put the second digit in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted December 9, 2006 This guy came into the bar, ogled Artist, then ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished his drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, winked at Artist and ordered a second one. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket, smiled at Artist and ordered yet another double martini. Artist was curious (she always is curious about people) and said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look as good as you, then I know it's time to go home." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thos Posted December 9, 2006 Report Share Posted December 9, 2006 This guy came into the bar, ogled Artist, then ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished his drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, winked at Artist and ordered a second one. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket, smiled at Artist and ordered yet another double martini. Artist was curious (she always is curious about people) and said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look as good as you, then I know it's time to go home."Our barmaid deserves all the compliments you can heap upon her.Thos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andsome Posted December 9, 2006 Report Share Posted December 9, 2006 This guy came into the bar, ogled Artist, then ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished his drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, winked at Artist and ordered a second one. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket, smiled at Artist and ordered yet another double martini. Artist was curious (she always is curious about people) and said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look as good as you, then I know it's time to go home."Our barmaid deserves all the compliments you can heap upon her.Thos.Keeps her happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlanHo Posted December 11, 2006 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2006 Artist asked the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." She handed him the drink, and says, "That'll be two pounds," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this – you offered it to me." A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to Artist, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." Artist was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, the same guy walks into the bar. Artist says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" To which Artist replies, throwing back her blonde tresses, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artist Posted December 11, 2006 Report Share Posted December 11, 2006 Our barmaid deserves all the compliments you can heap upon her.Thos.Thank you darlin' - I owe you one. :D What do you want for the xmas lunch - turkey, duck, pheasant(well plucked :P ) or goose. With all the trimmings of course. We're shut on The Day - and I won't be here boxing day either so it'll have to be the week before...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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